Week 13: You Are Marrying Not Only Me, But My Family Too, Honey

When a couple marries, it is not just between them, they also "marry" each other's family. Not only is there a newly created couple, but there are newly created in-laws as well. Another factor to consider is that each spouse brings to the marriage certain family rules: spoken and unspoken. These rules need to be acknowledged, understood, and discussed by the couple so they can decide, together, how those rules will impact them, or if they want to change any of the rules in their new family. Family Life professors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen about unspoken rules wrote, "Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer the family rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). My husband is one of nine children. When I first met his family, after we were engaged, we were having dinner with the whole family. The kitchen table was round and it had a lazy Susan center so the food could be wheeled to each diner. The family rule, my husband explained to me, was that the dad was the only one to turn the wheel for the first go around. If you missed an item, you would have to wait until it made its way around and then it was up for grabs by anyone. Often, there wasn't much left afterword to choose from. I came from a home where we asked for the dishes to be passed to each other as we desired. So, if it were not for my husband watching out for me, I would have missed out on dinner that evening.

Obviously, this family rule was a mild one as far as the potential it had for creating conflict between my husband and I. In fact, it didn't create any conflict. But, when it comes to values, how to discipline children, which relatives to visit on special occasions, or what traditions to incorporate, conflict can and will arise until a couple can work through deciding what to do about those rules and traditions. To complicate matters, sometimes in-laws put undue pressure on their newly married children to adapt their same family practices as well as expecting the same level of home involvement as before marriage. It can be difficult to share your child with other people, but in-laws need to recognize that a newly married couple is a family of their own now and they should be allowed to make family decisions for themselves that will nurture that couple's relationship with each other. My husband and I spent our first year and a half of marriage in residence near my parents in Texas while his were in Utah. We had our first child while living in Texas. Because my mother taught me that my family was with my husband and our children now, my parents waited for invitations to be involved in our new family. They expressed their love and concern for us and they spoiled their new grandbaby, but they did not impose their will upon us as we began forming our new family. When our daughter was five months old we moved to Utah. My husband's father found a job opportunity for us and helped us make the move. We were happy because we both wanted to live in Utah to raise our family. Utah was home to both of us. But, that was when I had to make some adjustments to being away from my family and near his. Some of those adjustments were made more difficult by my perspectives, but some were by his parents' perspectives. Unlike my parents, they continued to try to "parent" us. Even my husband eventually wearied of their "helpfulness."Harper and Frost Olsen say, "Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children's beliefs, and unclear and indirect family communication," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). My in-laws fell trap to many of these and conflict was high for a number of years.  But, we did eventually develop loving and supportive relationships. Partly because we genuinely loved them and each other and we talked about our own expectations as a couple and then shared these with them. Sometimes there were hurt feelings, but none of ever gave up because we all believe in an eternal family and we know we were sent here to learn to love one another. At the time, it helped that we lived a couple of hours away, so we had plenty of time apart but we were also close enough to choose to spend time together, which we did on a regular basis.

There were a couple of beneficial practices that my in-laws and I did that helped us to create happy relationships with each other. First of all, I asked if I could call them Mom and Dad. Harper and Frost Olsen make this comment, "While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). I had no qualms calling my in-laws Mom and Dad because my dad called his widowed mother-in-law, Mother. Grandma had told me how much she appreciated the love and respect my father demonstrated to her by doing so. I did have to make it clear, however, that I was not placing myself in a child's role. I still expected to be treated as an adult and to trust their son and I to learn for ourselves to trust in and lean on the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

                              

The other practice was to spend quality time with each of my parents-in-law. I often went shopping with my mother-in-law and I played games or had late-night discussions with my father-in-law. Those times afforded us opportunities to really get to know one another and to form personal and happy memories together. I could talk with my father-in-law about anything from politics to gospel subjects. My mother-in-law and I talked about raising children, serving missions with our husbands someday, and sharing our love for and testimonies of the gospel. It was those times that helped us overcome any hurt feelings that may have occurred from misunderstandings. Both of my parents-in-law are now deceased, but shortly before my mother-in-law passed away I was able to tell her that I had learned to, not only love her, but really like her. 

Week 12: Difference Is Not Inequality

     M. Russell Ballard, an Apostle of the Lord, has said, "Our Father in Heaven loves all of His children equally, perfectly, and infinitely. His love is no different for His daughters than for His sons. Our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, also loves men and women equally. His Atonement and His gospel are for all of God's children," (Counseling with Our Councils, 1997). Never has God or Christ held men above women, nor women above men. Men and women are designed to compliment and complete one another, especially in marriage and as parents. Men and women are equal in the site of God yet, the God-given roles of men and women are different. I grew up in a home where my father went to work to provide for the family's needs and my mother was at home caring for and nurturing us. As their children, we never knew a difference between Mom's or Dad's love for us, nor was one's responsibility to teach us any greater than the other. They were different in their expressions of love and how they taught, but they were never divided by whose "job" it was to do either. They were united in their purpose as husband and wife and as parents.

Elder Ballard continues, "Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan - and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant. . . .Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different. For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family. Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment. In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide the children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress," (Counseling with Our Councils, 1997).

     My mother and father often expressed their testimony that they knew their roles were divinely appointed. They were glad to serve one another as partners and they were glad to fulfill their respective roles in our home. In my own life, I have sought, as a mother, to be primarily in the home with my children. I do work outside the home, but for minimal hours, and with the blessing of my family. I am still available whenever my children need me. I take very seriously my role as their nurturer and teacher. My husband regards with seriousness his role as provider, protector, and teacher. We, as a couple, counsel together regarding the affairs of our home, especially our relationship with each other, relationships with our children, their relationships with each other and our relationship with Christ.

     As I was going off to become married, my mother gave me two pieces of advice that have proved to be invaluable. First, to nurture my marriage, I had to communicate as a partner with my husband. He and I were to turn toward one another as we discussed anything that pertained to the two of us and to refrain from taking our concerns "home" to Mom and Dad. Although I would always be welcome in my parents' home, it would no longer be my home. My home was with my husband. The second piece of advice she gave me was to not let our children divide and conquer us. We were act with unity in front of our children. If we had differences of opinion, we were discuss those privately. We, as parents, should refrain from making decisions regarding our children until we had come to consensus on those decisions. Along with that, she advised me to be a mother first to my children. Friendship with your children is great, and advisable, but not by sacrificing being a parent. Richard B. Miller, PhD, director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University spoke about issues of power in family relationships. He said, "In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the 'executive committee' and the 'board of directors' of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership," ("Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008).

     When a loving and committed couple, husband and wife, work together as partners, each willing to perform their different, but equal, parts, they will find unity and harmony as they seek to know and do the Lord's will. They will find joy in each other's company and help as they work together to raise children in righteousness. Children will benefit as they see Mom and Dad love and respect one another and present a united front for their children. Children need stability and structure, both of which will be provided by a couple who respect, defend, and support one another. It took some time for my husband and I to really come together in harmony as a couple and as parents, but it has given our home that stability. We have love and harmony and our children know that Mom and Dad can work through anything together.

Week 11: United in Body, Mind, and Soul

    "Union: an act or instance of uniting or joining two things into one: such as a uniting in marriage," (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/union). (Links to an exterThe fact that we call a marriage a union is no incidental thing. When two people come together in marriage, they are united and intended to be as one. What does this mean? It means, quoting Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression" (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 90). To restate: when two people join together in the union of marriage, they pledge allof the hearts, minds, bodies, souls, and strength to one another and none else. Fidelity to one's spouse includes not just the physical, but the emotional, intellectual, and the spiritual. Dr. Goddard reiterates this when he says, "The covenant we make with God to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage precludes not only physical, but also romantic relationships outside of marriage, even if they are only mental or emotional" (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p.91).

     This fidelity needs to be guarded. Temptations to share what belongs to a spouse with another are subtle and often begin quite innocently. I know that I have been tempted at times to be drawn into special friendships with those of my opposite gender that are not my husband. The feelings of elation over a stimulating conversation can be titillating. The draw to seek out more conversation and time spent with that person is difficult to ignore. At the first sign of temptation, it is time to get your spouse involved. There are two ways to do this and you should do both. First, seek to spend more time with your spouse and make a mental list, or maybe even a physical list, of the things you appreciate about him or her. Then, any time you have interaction with the other person you are drawn to, do so only in the presence of, and in conjunction with, your spouse. As you return intimacy to your spouse, and you involve him or her in your friendships, you will find that your full heart and attention are redirected toward your spouse. If these two suggestions do not alleviate the inappropriate attraction it would be wise to cut of interaction with your special friend. Remember, you promised a union with your spouse and that you would cleave to none else (see D&C 42:22). 

     To help prevent a wandering attraction, attention needs to be given to all aspects of the marital relationship. This will include sex. Sex was designed by God, not only for bringing children into a family, but to beautifully join a husband and wife together in a sacred and special bond. I remember my mother teaching that sex is beautiful and glorious when it is shared between a man and a woman who are married to one another. It is only beautiful within those bounds. Inside a marital relationship it is God-sanctioned and blessed. It is not so at any other time. Of course, sexual relations are not limited to, nor should be exclusive of, the physical act. The sharing of lives between a husband and wife enhances the physical act of sex. Sex is most enjoyable when it is offered and experienced with attendant love. I feel closer to my husband when we have had a good conversation, or have been able to work through a problem together, or have been able to spend time with one another in some other enjoyable activity. When I feel my husband's love, and I am filled with love for him, all aspects of our marriage are enhanced. Sex then acts as the glue that holds us together. It is not the foundation, but it is an important and essential aspect of marriage and should not be treated with baseness nor indifference. Because of the cohesiveness of sex within marriage, it should never be used as reward or punishment. This will erode the effectiveness of the glue; its sticking power will be diminished.

     Couples need to talk about their relationships on a regular basis. Husband and wife should pay special attention to one another's lives, needs, wants, and dreams. In a loving relationship it is often easy enough to talk about anything and everything, except sexual matters. This is an area that still feels like taboo to talk about, but within a marriage, it is essential. I, myself, have found it difficult to bring up and discuss with my husband sexual matters. I have finally learned to do so and he has been warm and receptive as I discuss with him my concerns, struggles, and hopes for our physical relationship. We have found strength in our relationship as I have opened up to him. Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, quotes Elder Hugh B. Brown as saying, "If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities. . . if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, . . . much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided." Barlow comments, "Talking about this intimate relationship - including the emotional feelings that attend it - can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" ("They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage," Ensign, September 1986). 

 

     Remember, marriage is a union created by God and, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, intimacy is also created by God to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage between a husband and wife. Not only were marriage and intimacy created by God, but also blessed and sanctioned by God, again, within the bounds of marriage as He has set forth. When all aspects of intimacy are attended to in your marriage, the rewards are far better than any other source of pleasure can ever hope to give. Even if your spouse is not everything you hoped he or she would be, neither are you to him or her. If something hoped for is lacking, talk about it, WITH YOUR SPOUSE, not a "special friend." Protect that which is sacred to the union of marriage!

Week 10: Time Is Magic

  Every marriage will experience conflict. You are taking two individuals and trying to mesh their upbringings, thoughts, values, ideas, dreams, etc. into one cohesive unit. It is true that the individuals can and should retain a certain amount of individuality, but the marriage will only find happiness and health if the two can learn to work together in harmony and love. I remember when I was first married. I felt too young and immature, even at 22 years old. I wanted to go back home to Mom and Dad, but my wise mother had advised me to not bring my problems with my husband to her or Dad but to take them to my husband. My husband is kind of a loner. He loves to read and he can spend hours entertaining himself. He grew up in a home as the oldest of nine children, and there were always other children added to the mix when the family took in "strays."  This may be why he learned to carve out, and exist, in alone time. I, on the other hand, like to be in the mix of people and I seek for interaction. So, as married life began for me and my husband, our daily routine was as follows:

• Arise and have breakfast (often not together).
• I go to school, Hubby off to work.
• I return from school, clean the apartment and prepare dinner.
• Hubby returns from work, kisses me, then goes to shower.
• I finish dinner preparation and Hubby lays in bed reading his book.
• We eat dinner together, but there is little conversation and Hubby finishes long before I do and he retreats to the bedroom to read his book again.
• We retire to bed together, have some cuddle time and a small amount of conversation then go to bed.
• Repeat.

     This went on for about two weeks. Two very lonely weeks for me. I thought to myself, "What have I done? I don't like being married." Then I remembered my mother's advice to talk with my husband about my feelings and needs. I told him he needed to remember he was married and that there was another person permanently in his life and he needed to remember her. (This may not have been the best approach-it sounded a little demanding.) I asked if he would stay at the table with me until we were both done with dinner. He wanted to know what he would do while he waited for me to slowly, in his view. finish my meal. I told him he could talk with me. He confessed he never thought that I would need or enjoy conversation with him. This was not a cure-all for all of the adjustment issues we would face, but it laid a firm foundation to help us think a little more about the other than ourselves.

     Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, as a general authority of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke these words in the October 2010 General Conference of the Church, "We build deep and loving relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship" ("Of Things That Matter Most," https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng.) Time is a valuable commodity that becomes worth more when spent building relationships with God and family, especially a spouse. Without putting in nurturing time, your marriage, at best, will exist as parallel living, and at worst, divorce.

     Dr. John Gottman says there are six magic hours that will sustain and improve a marriage. Think about it! Just six hours a week! Such a small amount of time, but the dividends are huge. These magic six hours, quoting from Dr. Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are:

• Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day. Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days Total: 10 minutes.
• Reunions. We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is worth coming home to. Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each work day for at least 20 minutes. Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days Total: 1 hour 40 minutes.
• Admiration and appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, "I love you." Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
• Affection: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep. Always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
• Weekly date: This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Time: 2 hours once a week Total: 2 hours.
• State of the union meeting: Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week. Keep this time sacred. Begin by talking about what went right. Then give each other five appreciations you haven't yet expressed. Try to be specific. Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen. Use gentle start-up and listen non-defensively. Move to problem solving. End by each of you asking and answering, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week Grand Total: Six hours!

     "Remember, working on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club," (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, pp. 278-279). These six hours do not come naturally so, you must consciously plan to implement them into your routine. If the task feels daunting, pick one area to implement this week, then over the next few weeks implement another one and another one until they are part of your regular routine. I would also add, and probably start with, praying together. Invite Christ to be a part of the process of strengthening your marriage. Bring to Him your love and appreciation for your spouse and ask Him to guide you as you discuss the problems you face, even if those problems are about you or your spouse. My husband and I pray together each night, just the two of us. These are some of the most tender and love-building times in our marriage. I can promise you that when you invite Christ into your relationship with your spouse, He can heal all wounds and bring life to any honorable marriage, even if it seems love has died.

     People often seek to know what to do to build or repair relationships but, more importantly, we should seek to become what we should be.  H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, wrote, "We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart. The only way to truly build a healthy marriage is by being a truly good person - to be changed in our very natures. Christ is the great change agent, . . ." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, pp. 133, 134). We must change our hearts to see and understand our spouse through the eyes of Heaven. I find more success when I realize how grateful I am for my husband who works hard to provide a comfortable life for our family, who puts aside his needs to meet mine, and who forgives me my shortcomings over and over again. When I am reminded of how much I have been given in my spouse, I am much slower to be irritated with his shortcomings and I find it easier to forgive him when I am annoyed. I realize that it is the condition of my heart that sets the stage for how I will choose to react in any given circumstance. My husband works on a dairy and he can come home reeking of manure and rancid feed. I was not raised around animals and I was, like so many people, put off by the smells. But, I learned to not only accept the smell but appreciate it because it represented how hard he worked to provide for us because of his love for us, and he was engaged in a work he loved doing. I tell people, "It smells like money to me! It is our living."

Please enjoy the following video about having a heart tuned toward your spouse:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdCPMwhvJ88Links to an external site.

Week 9: The Devil Made Me Do It

     I remember my mother hating the phrase, "The devil made me do it!" She always claimed that the devil could not make anyone do anything they didn't want to do, or in other words, the devil cannot take our right to choose away from us. When we find ourselves thinking, speaking, or acting negatively, WE CHOOSE TO DO SO. It is true that it may seem that we have an instant reaction that feels out of control, but in reality that reaction was laid brick by brick by earlier choices of thought and behavior.

     Anger is one of those emotions that we, erroneously, think is out of our control. Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints explains, "A cunning part of [Satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, 'I lost my temper.' Losing one's temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To 'lose something' implies 'not meaning to,' 'accidental,' 'involuntary,' 'not responsible' - careless perhaps but 'not responsible.' 'He made me mad.' This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don't make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!" ("Agency and Anger," General Conference April 1998, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger.p10?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)).

     Why is it so important to understand that our emotions and reactions are within our control? If we understand this, then we are better able to choose to take control of our emotions, especially in our relationships with those closest to us: our spouses, our children, our parents, etc. My daughter had a friend in high school that became very jealous of her. It appeared to this girl that my daughter led a very charmed life: she made friends easily, she got along with family, especially her parents, and she had a happy, bubbly personality. This other girl wished she could be happy in her own life. A wise church leader explained to this girl (and later shared with me) that the reason my daughter was so happy was because she consistently chose to be. "Happiness is a choice," this leader counseled. I learned from my mother and my own experiences, and I taught my daughter, that we do have choice in governing our emotions, both positive and negative. We may not be able to choose everything that will happen to us in our lives, but we can choose how we will react to those events.

     In my early marriage, I was not so good at choosing happiness. I was too absorbed in thinking that I deserved more happiness than I was feeling and failed to recognize how I could take responsibility for my own happiness. I was more focused on what my husband was not doing to see to my needs, that I neglected to see that I was not seeing to his needs either. I decided I needed to forget myself and go to work to help him know happiness, which in turn makes me happy. I began to think more about his comfort and I thought about how my actions could effect him. I also tried to take notice of all the things he did for me. One of the things I noticed was how patient and forgiving he was of me. 

     To think more about making your spouse happy than making sure you are happy may seem counterintuitive to those who believe in "equitable" marriages where give-and-take is 50-50 but, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, successful marriages do not follow that formula. Instead, each partner should be concerned with helping their spouse know happiness without keeping a ledger to make sure they receive at least as much back as they give. "The problem with equity is in the inevitable scorekeeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive. There is a better way. We can gladly offer our best efforts. We appreciate all that our partners offer. When we have unmet needs, we humbly invite: 'I could sure use a hand with putting the kids to bed tonight. Is this something you could help me with?' We give gladly and we receive graciously," (Goddard, H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.107). 

     When we know we can choose to control anger, it follows that we can choose to forgive. It is often difficult to forgive those we feel have wronged us in some way. But, as disciples of Jesus Christ, we must forgive. We are commanded to do so. Forgiveness is not about the other person, although it can work miracles in their life/lives as well, but it is ultimately a blessing for us. We feel the peace Christ has promised through his atonement when we lay our burdens, and hurts, upon His shoulders. Forgiveness is one way to lay those burdens down and let our wounds heal. President James E. Faust, a past member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said, "The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can only come as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven," ("The Healing Power of Forgiveness," General Conference April 2007, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng&query=forgiveness (Links to an external site.)).

     Dr. Goddard talks about the need for consecration in marriage. He says, "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. . . . we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p. 103). He goes on to say, "Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven," (p. 105) and "Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably live there. This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves," (p. 110). 

     I once had a conversation with my oldest daughter about, not only getting to the Celestial Kingdom, but being comfortable about staying there (for more information about the Celestial Kingdom see https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/gospel-topics/celestial-kingdom?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)). We were traveling together in the car and she chose to change the radio station. The music from this station was less than desirable, but rather than immediately turning it off I posed this question, "What kind of music do you imagine will be played in the Celestial Kingdom?" She thought about it and responded, "Probably hymns or church music or classical?" I then asked her if it was one of her goals to someday reach the highest kingdom of heaven and she expressed that she hoped she would. I then asked her, "Do you want to be enjoy listening to the type of music you would hear there?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Then maybe we ought to practice listening to that type of music." She changed the station. We then discussed how important it is to live life as a rehearsal for living in the Celestial Kingdom with Heaven Father and Jesus Christ, otherwise we will not be comfortable, nor enjoy, residing in such a place. As we consecrate our efforts to create a happy marriage and family we are participating in our dress rehearsal for Exaltation.

Week 8: Pride in Marriage

"Pride goeth before the fall" is the common expression, but to clarify, the scriptures actually read, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall," (Proverbs 16:18 KJV).  Continuing in Proverbs we read, "Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he," (Proverbs 16:19-20 KJV). Let's put this into perspective with marriage. Pride and haughtiness, or believing you are superior to your spouse, or even inferior, can wreak destruction in a marriage. It is better to be humble and concerned with your spouse's well-being than to end up dividing your goods and children in a divorce settlement. I believe that if both husband and wife can turn themselves and their marriage over to the Lord, and let Him direct their paths, then they can find happiness and joy immeasurable within their marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says, "Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save - both souls and marriages. When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles," (2009).

Pride can come in many forms. One of the most common, especially in marriage, is to see yourself as better than your spouse in some way. You may think that you are more capable or more intelligent than your spouse. You may even think that your ways are better or even the only correct way to do things. You have probably, at some point, found yourself thinking that only you can see and understand things as they really are and that if your spouse would only listen to you, he or she would come to the same viewpoint. Well guess what? Your spouse has probably thought the same thing about you. 

I remember thinking, in my early years of marriage, that I was better at working out the right things to do in any given situation than my husband was. Although I did not consciously think of myself as smarter, I certainly gave that impression to him. I later found out that he was very self-conscious about his intelligence. When he was a child, he had a teacher that took him aside and told him he was just stupid. It turns out he has dyslexia. The damage was done, and I was not helping him grow or making him happy when I kept on insisting that my way was best and he just needed to see that. I was reaffirming his belief that he was stupid. When I discovered how he felt, my heart softened and I took a good look at how my behaviors were affecting him. I realized, over time, that his viewpoints are just as valid as mine, and sometimes his ideas are even better than mine. I finally learned to listen to him and I discovered he had a wealth of wisdom to impart. But, again, the damage was done. I had added to his feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing his feelings of inadequacy, I finally told him, "I am far too intelligent a woman to have married a stupid man!" Of course, this did not change his feelings overnight, but as I became his champion and I looked for how he demonstrated intelligence, he gradually gained confidence in his mental abilities. I continue today to encourage him by asking for his opinion and advice whenever I can. I also try to follow his advice. He and I both know that I trust his judgement and his wisdom and in turn he seeks my counsel and wisdom.

President Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once gave a talk in the April 1989 General Conference of the Church. It was entitled, "Beware of Pride." In this talk he says, "The central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the state by which Satan wishes to reign over us." We need to beware of pride entering into our relationships, especially with our spouses. We exhibit pride when we argue, find fault, gossip, withhold gratitude or praise, or are unforgiving, selfish, easily offended, or hold grudges (see "Beware of Pride," Ezra T. Benson).  When any of these behaviors or attitudes exist between husband and wife, it is very difficult to come together in unity. It is also very difficult to come to God. The antidote is humility before God and charity toward your spouse. 

Sometime within my 30+ years of marriage, I came to the realization that I could not blame him for his faults when I had plenty of my own. I realized that I hoped he would be forgiving of my trespasses or shortcomings, and he is, so I needed to do the same for him. When I finally humanized instead of objectified my husband, I could understand that he was trying his best just as I was and that sometimes we would each make mistakes. But if we could go to our Heavenly Father, individually and as a couple, we could learn to see each other as He does. When we do this, the goodness in each other becomes highlighted and often the irritations melt away.

One of the best ways to exercise humility as a couple is to pray together. It is important to take turns expressing verbally to God your gratitude for your spouse and then asking Him to send specific blessings your spouse wants or needs. I can promise you that your hearts will soften toward each other and many of the things that irritated you about your spouse will be forgotten. 

Week 7: Be Not Weary

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great," (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33).

What does this have to do with marriage? Everything! First of all, it is the small, everyday acts of kindness, the biting of the tongue, the walking in your spouse's shoes, that create a loving and lasting relationship. The romantic evenings out or big vacations are just icing on the cake. But, if those small acts are not consistent, the "icing" will not preserve a marriage. These small things done together and for each other that Dr. John Gottman calls, "turning toward each other," (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 87). When we recognize and respond positively to our spouse as they make "bids" (Gottman) for our attention, we are saying to them that they matter to us: their thoughts matter, their feelings matter, and their experiences matter. We build feelings of trust when we turn toward our spouse. 

My husband likes physical touch. I have learned that he responds well when I show him affection. He especially likes it when I initiate it. I will reach out to hold his hand when we are walking or sitting side-by-side. Another way I extend affection toward him is anytime we pass each other in our home, I stop him and give him a bear hug and a kiss. With our busy lives we don't always have the opportunity to share a common bedtime, so these little affections help him to know that I still love him and that I still value him in my life. He has often commented on how much these little acts have meant to him. He, in turn will sometimes, out of the blue, come find me and tell me I need a good hug and kiss, which he then gives me. Notice that the expression is hugs and kisses are given, not taken. I don't think this is mere coincidence.. To turn toward your spouse is a voluntary act and therefore cannot be taken.

Another thing we do to turn toward each other is to spend 10-20 minutes a day just "checking in." I am usually at home when he gets home from work. I follow him, as soon as I am able, to our bedroom where we tell each other about our day and catch up on the news of the day about family, church, school or work. We may even briefly discuss upcoming plans. This helps us stay connected and continues to build our friendship with one another. We talk about the children and what is going on in their lives, what happened at work or with school since I am a student currently, and often it includes things we did, who we spoke to, or what we learned in our day. 

Seeing opportunities to turn toward your spouse takes patience and practice. There will be many missed opportunities. Negative feelings may arise, either as a result of missed opportunities or opportunities are missed because we become wrapped up in that negativity. Remember to "weary not." It can be tiring and draining if we feel our needs and desires are not being met. We might become self-absorbed and no longer see that our spouse may also have unmet needs and desires. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard quotes President Gordon B. Hinckley, a past Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet, as saying, "I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. . . . There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, 'What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder' (Matthew 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule" ("What God Hath Joined Together," Ensign, May 1991, pp. 73-74). Dr. Goddard continues this line of thinking with, "As an almost universal rule, the best course is to honor covenants. One of the best-kept secrets in this world is that troubled, painful relationships can become both satisfying and growth-promoting as we fill ourselves with faith in God and love for His purposes. To quit a relationship because it is difficult is like dropping out of school because a course is so much harder and requires so much more of you than you expected" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 63). Of course, I am not saying that you should remain in a marriage where your safety is a concern, but otherwise, we should not consider divorce so readily. 

I have learned that there is an exception to "weary not." It would be to "weary the Lord" in prayer. When I have feelings of selfishness, or I do not know how to respond to my husband's negative thoughts and feelings, or my own, I pray. I know that God knows my husband perfectly and can see his heart and his potential. In the same vein, He knows me perfectly and can see my heart and my potential and it was He that joined my husband and I together. Through prayer we do not let any man put us asunder, which includes ourselves when we are being selfish instead of selfless. This is why it is so important to practice faith in Jesus Christ who can heal all wounds and hurts. This will lead us to be more forgiving and we can know the joy He wants to bless us with.

                     

Week 6: Cherish Your Spouse

The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of the word cherish:

"1. a. to hold dear: feel or show affection for; b. to keep or cultivate with care and affectection: NURTURE; 2. to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely" (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cherish (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

What do you cherish in life? Is it that trophy you won in the golf tournament or any other personal accomplishment or pursuit? Whatever you love, you put first in your life. In other words, you will prioritize what you cherish the most and that is where we expend most of our energies. But, what about your relationships, especially if you are married? Do you cherish your spouse? Are your time and energies expended on the relationship, or do hobbies and outside interests consume your time and love?

It isn't always easy to cherish your spouse. It takes work, time and patience. Marriage is the lab of human experience where we learn how to become unselfish and to put others before ourselves. It will take personal sacrifice. There may be things that you need to give up so that you have the time and energy you need to nurture your marriage. In a good marriage, your spouse will do the same thing. According to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a Family Life Specialist, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most precious" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,2009). One of my "pet affections" is binge watching tv. This hobby helps me relax and I really enjoy it, but it does not pay any dividends. My relationships are being robbed when I do not limit, or give up, the time spent on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime Video. So, I ask myself, "Who/what do I love more?" It is easy to sacrifice tv watching when I can answer that I love my husband more. 

To truly cherish your spouse you need to devote time to get to know, or become reacquainted with, each other. "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood" (Gottman, John, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015). Date nights are a great way to do this. You and your spouse should set aside time, weekly preferably, to spend uninterrupted alone time together. It does not need to be expensive. In fact, the more creative you can be, the more memorable the experience might be. Just be sure that whatever your plans are, that they provide opportunities to talk and share with one another your personal worlds. In my early marriage, when our children were young and we had very little money, date night usually was a home-cooked meal enjoyed after the children were put to bed. Now that most of them are grown, we try to run errands together, go out to eat,  or take a drive. These activities allow us time to catch up with each other and to talk about the things we think about as individuals.

As we work at enjoying time together, we will build a bank of positive emotions that we can draw upon when troubles come, and they will come. Sometimes, we need to adjust how we relate to and cherish each other. A few years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. During my three months of chemo, I was in survival mode and had to take care of myself. This often left my husband "out in the cold" so to speak. When he got a cold, he slept in a different bedroom so he wouldn't risk my health. He was not receiving the affection he was used to and was sorely missing it. One day he told me that it would go a long way if I would just reach out and rest my hand on his leg whenever we traveled in the car together. I realized that I had been so focused on my needs that I had not even recognized how much he was sacrificing for me. I began doing what he requested, and it has worked so well, that I continue to do it still today. Just last night he told me how much he appreciates that I do that. That simple act reminds us both of how much we do cherish each other and that we share fondness and friendship in a loving relationship. Kindness is simple, yet the rewards can be astounding!

                       

Week 5: Marry Your Best Friend

I have a brother-in-law that dreamed of marrying a model-beautiful woman, and he believed he deserved to do so. In the meantime, he was spending a lot of time with a girl that didn't fit that mold, and although he enjoyed her company, he did not see her as a potential wife. She was just the filler until his model wife came along. We, his family and friends, could all see that she loved him and that he loved her, too. Finally, his mother took him aside and opened his eyes to the reality that this girl was his best friend and he was happy when he spent time with her. He finally saw in her potential to be his wife. He did marry her and they have been very happy now for over 15 years!

Friendship in a marital relationship is essential for a happy marriage. It builds a sure emotional foundation for the couple that will help them weather life's storms together. Those storms may be challenges that are just part of life or it can come within the relationship itself when the partners are faced with conflict. Friendship within marriage leads to other benefits as well. Dr. John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 22). I have often taught my children, and their friends, that marrying your best friend is better than marrying the best looking person or the wealthiest, or any other superficial criteria that the media portrays as important. It is important to enjoy each other's company, in all realms of the relationship, not just physical intimacy.

Dr. Gottman goes on to say, "In the strongest marriage, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just 'get along'--they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together" (The Seven Principles, p. 28). My mother told me this little saying when I was about to marry, "You are more important than I, but we are more important than either you or I." She was telling me that we should be concerned about each other more than ourselves, but that neither of us should abuse that concern. We should be finding ways to strengthen our bond with one another and that should be a priority over any individual pursuits. It is okay to have individual pursuits, but they should not become more important to you than your spouse. In my own life, I sometimes have to step back and evaluate whether or not I am making my husband and my marriage first in my life. My husband and I have found, that overall, we do support one another, have real concern for each other's welfare, and we enjoy being together. We have also found that life can trip you up if you aren't watching for its pitfalls and making course corrections from time to time. 

Another thing I would like to share about developing a foundation of love, friendship, commitment, and trust in marriage is a piece of advice given to a group of adults in a church setting by one of our general authorities. He was visiting our area and he told us, as couples, we should be saying a couples' prayer together, at least nightly. In our homes we have individual prayer, family prayer, and prayers that bless our meals, families, and travel, but one of the most important prayers is the one couples make together. He suggested that the following pattern would strengthen a marriage more than we thought possible. When you kneel together as husband and wife you should alternate turns each time praying aloud to Heavenly Father. When it is your turn, you should thank Heavenly Father for your spouse with a specific appreciation. Then, you should ask for a specific blessing that you know your spouse needs or would desire. He told us that there is something about hearing your spouse speak about you and you speaking about your spouse in this manner opens the floodgates of love. When these things are vocalized in each other's presence, it creates an atmosphere where criticism is diminished. I can say that my husband and I went home and began praying that way that very night. It was one of the best things we do as a couple and it really works. This is an attribute of Christ-like love. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a past Apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said about Christ-like love, "There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter" (The Great Commandment, October General Conference 2007, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). Healthy marriages depend on having a solid friendship with respect and support and happy marriages thrive when both partners practice Christ-like love and concern for each other.

Virtual Tour of the Rome Temple

This is a virtual tour of the Rome Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Your guides are Elder David A. Bednar and Elder Ronald A. Rasband, two modern-day Apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ. I invite you to view this video so that you may understand the importance and sacredness of the temples to faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is in the temples of the Lord where couples and families are sealed together for eternity.

Week 4: Contract or Covenant?

Contract-the writing which contains the agreement of parties with the terms and conditions, and which serves as a proof of the obligation (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/contract (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

Covenant-to come; a coming together; a meeting or agreement of the minds (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/covenant (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

     Marriage should never be simply a contract. To view it as such devalues marriage and its potential. Marriage is, and always has been, mankind's highest form of a relationship. It binds people together in ways that no mere contract can. Yet, marriage is treated as a contract, one that can be broken when one or more parties is not getting what they bargained for. Rather than view marriage as a contract. let us elevate our thinking and view marriage as a covenant, one made between a man and a woman and God. To illustrate the difference, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a general authority for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, taught "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent" (Covenant Marriage, October 1996, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).  I was taught this very principle by my own mother. Contract marriages are all about what's in it for me while covenant marriages are about what's in it for us as we grow and work together to overcome our challenges. 

     In keeping with the idea of a covenant marriage, it is important to understand that nothing else in this world is supreme to it. Elder David A. Bednar, an Apostle of the Lord said, "no instrumentality or organization can take the place of the home or perform its essential functions" (Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, June 2006, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). My father never put any other duty before his wife, my mother, not even his children. We came in a close second and I believe that is how it should be. I once viewed a talk show where there was a mother that declared this principle. She said that her husband came first, before her children. The audience was outraged at her. They did not understand, and would not listen to her explain, that she loved her children immensely and she never neglected them, but that her husband and her marriage were her foundation. If a marriage is not on a sure foundation, where will the children be anyway? A strong, healthy and happy marriage create the best circumstances for strong, healthy and happy children. Nourishing your marriage is never a form of neglecting your children.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I regard marriage and family as eternal and that they appropriately begin in a temple of the Lord. President Ezra Taft Benson, a past prophet of The Church taught, "The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, 'That is the place where we were married for eternity.' By doing so, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children while very young" (What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children About the Temple, August 1995, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). I, myself, was married to my sweetheart of 30 years in the Logan, Utah Temple and we have a picture of it hanging in our home. We speak often of our temple wedding with our children.

Let's talk about one of the traps that ensnares a marriage into the contractual viewpoint: Individualism. Elder Hafen mentions that it is one of three wolves that is out to destroy a covenant marriage (1996). I graduated from high school in the 1980s when the "Me Generation" hype was at its apex. In fact, at the end of my senior year, my graduating class was treated to a special assembly with a guest speaker chosen to speak specifically to us as we prepared to embark on the real world. I was appalled when the speaker extolled the ideals of living in the Me Generation Era. He felt it was important for us to embrace the idea that we must always put ourselves first and if anyone did not meet our needs or wants, we should move on, regardless of the relationship. I had never heard such selfish drivel in all my young life and I was even more appalled that most of my classmates were drinking in the sentiments. 

Here is another idea, a better idea. We should try to view and treat others, especially our spouse, as Jesus Christ does. We should try to emulate Christ-like qualities within ourselves, for in doing such, we not only help to improve ourselves, but each other and we strengthen relationships. Elder Bednar reminds us of one of my favorite ways to approach marriage. It is the three-way marriage covenant that includes our Savior in a triangle pattern. The Savior is at the apex and the husband and wife are the other two corners at the bottom.  "As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of the distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness. . . is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants" (Bednar, 2006). I know as my husband and I strive, individually and as a couple, to grow closer to the Lord, we do grow closer together and our love for the Lord and each other grows exponentially!