Week 10: Time Is Magic

  Every marriage will experience conflict. You are taking two individuals and trying to mesh their upbringings, thoughts, values, ideas, dreams, etc. into one cohesive unit. It is true that the individuals can and should retain a certain amount of individuality, but the marriage will only find happiness and health if the two can learn to work together in harmony and love. I remember when I was first married. I felt too young and immature, even at 22 years old. I wanted to go back home to Mom and Dad, but my wise mother had advised me to not bring my problems with my husband to her or Dad but to take them to my husband. My husband is kind of a loner. He loves to read and he can spend hours entertaining himself. He grew up in a home as the oldest of nine children, and there were always other children added to the mix when the family took in "strays."  This may be why he learned to carve out, and exist, in alone time. I, on the other hand, like to be in the mix of people and I seek for interaction. So, as married life began for me and my husband, our daily routine was as follows:

• Arise and have breakfast (often not together).
• I go to school, Hubby off to work.
• I return from school, clean the apartment and prepare dinner.
• Hubby returns from work, kisses me, then goes to shower.
• I finish dinner preparation and Hubby lays in bed reading his book.
• We eat dinner together, but there is little conversation and Hubby finishes long before I do and he retreats to the bedroom to read his book again.
• We retire to bed together, have some cuddle time and a small amount of conversation then go to bed.
• Repeat.

     This went on for about two weeks. Two very lonely weeks for me. I thought to myself, "What have I done? I don't like being married." Then I remembered my mother's advice to talk with my husband about my feelings and needs. I told him he needed to remember he was married and that there was another person permanently in his life and he needed to remember her. (This may not have been the best approach-it sounded a little demanding.) I asked if he would stay at the table with me until we were both done with dinner. He wanted to know what he would do while he waited for me to slowly, in his view. finish my meal. I told him he could talk with me. He confessed he never thought that I would need or enjoy conversation with him. This was not a cure-all for all of the adjustment issues we would face, but it laid a firm foundation to help us think a little more about the other than ourselves.

     Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, as a general authority of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke these words in the October 2010 General Conference of the Church, "We build deep and loving relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship" ("Of Things That Matter Most," https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng.) Time is a valuable commodity that becomes worth more when spent building relationships with God and family, especially a spouse. Without putting in nurturing time, your marriage, at best, will exist as parallel living, and at worst, divorce.

     Dr. John Gottman says there are six magic hours that will sustain and improve a marriage. Think about it! Just six hours a week! Such a small amount of time, but the dividends are huge. These magic six hours, quoting from Dr. Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are:

• Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day. Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days Total: 10 minutes.
• Reunions. We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is worth coming home to. Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each work day for at least 20 minutes. Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days Total: 1 hour 40 minutes.
• Admiration and appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, "I love you." Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
• Affection: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep. Always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
• Weekly date: This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Time: 2 hours once a week Total: 2 hours.
• State of the union meeting: Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week. Keep this time sacred. Begin by talking about what went right. Then give each other five appreciations you haven't yet expressed. Try to be specific. Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen. Use gentle start-up and listen non-defensively. Move to problem solving. End by each of you asking and answering, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week Grand Total: Six hours!

     "Remember, working on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club," (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, pp. 278-279). These six hours do not come naturally so, you must consciously plan to implement them into your routine. If the task feels daunting, pick one area to implement this week, then over the next few weeks implement another one and another one until they are part of your regular routine. I would also add, and probably start with, praying together. Invite Christ to be a part of the process of strengthening your marriage. Bring to Him your love and appreciation for your spouse and ask Him to guide you as you discuss the problems you face, even if those problems are about you or your spouse. My husband and I pray together each night, just the two of us. These are some of the most tender and love-building times in our marriage. I can promise you that when you invite Christ into your relationship with your spouse, He can heal all wounds and bring life to any honorable marriage, even if it seems love has died.

     People often seek to know what to do to build or repair relationships but, more importantly, we should seek to become what we should be.  H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, wrote, "We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart. The only way to truly build a healthy marriage is by being a truly good person - to be changed in our very natures. Christ is the great change agent, . . ." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, pp. 133, 134). We must change our hearts to see and understand our spouse through the eyes of Heaven. I find more success when I realize how grateful I am for my husband who works hard to provide a comfortable life for our family, who puts aside his needs to meet mine, and who forgives me my shortcomings over and over again. When I am reminded of how much I have been given in my spouse, I am much slower to be irritated with his shortcomings and I find it easier to forgive him when I am annoyed. I realize that it is the condition of my heart that sets the stage for how I will choose to react in any given circumstance. My husband works on a dairy and he can come home reeking of manure and rancid feed. I was not raised around animals and I was, like so many people, put off by the smells. But, I learned to not only accept the smell but appreciate it because it represented how hard he worked to provide for us because of his love for us, and he was engaged in a work he loved doing. I tell people, "It smells like money to me! It is our living."

Please enjoy the following video about having a heart tuned toward your spouse:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdCPMwhvJ88Links to an external site.

Week 9: The Devil Made Me Do It

     I remember my mother hating the phrase, "The devil made me do it!" She always claimed that the devil could not make anyone do anything they didn't want to do, or in other words, the devil cannot take our right to choose away from us. When we find ourselves thinking, speaking, or acting negatively, WE CHOOSE TO DO SO. It is true that it may seem that we have an instant reaction that feels out of control, but in reality that reaction was laid brick by brick by earlier choices of thought and behavior.

     Anger is one of those emotions that we, erroneously, think is out of our control. Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints explains, "A cunning part of [Satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, 'I lost my temper.' Losing one's temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To 'lose something' implies 'not meaning to,' 'accidental,' 'involuntary,' 'not responsible' - careless perhaps but 'not responsible.' 'He made me mad.' This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don't make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!" ("Agency and Anger," General Conference April 1998, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger.p10?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)).

     Why is it so important to understand that our emotions and reactions are within our control? If we understand this, then we are better able to choose to take control of our emotions, especially in our relationships with those closest to us: our spouses, our children, our parents, etc. My daughter had a friend in high school that became very jealous of her. It appeared to this girl that my daughter led a very charmed life: she made friends easily, she got along with family, especially her parents, and she had a happy, bubbly personality. This other girl wished she could be happy in her own life. A wise church leader explained to this girl (and later shared with me) that the reason my daughter was so happy was because she consistently chose to be. "Happiness is a choice," this leader counseled. I learned from my mother and my own experiences, and I taught my daughter, that we do have choice in governing our emotions, both positive and negative. We may not be able to choose everything that will happen to us in our lives, but we can choose how we will react to those events.

     In my early marriage, I was not so good at choosing happiness. I was too absorbed in thinking that I deserved more happiness than I was feeling and failed to recognize how I could take responsibility for my own happiness. I was more focused on what my husband was not doing to see to my needs, that I neglected to see that I was not seeing to his needs either. I decided I needed to forget myself and go to work to help him know happiness, which in turn makes me happy. I began to think more about his comfort and I thought about how my actions could effect him. I also tried to take notice of all the things he did for me. One of the things I noticed was how patient and forgiving he was of me. 

     To think more about making your spouse happy than making sure you are happy may seem counterintuitive to those who believe in "equitable" marriages where give-and-take is 50-50 but, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, successful marriages do not follow that formula. Instead, each partner should be concerned with helping their spouse know happiness without keeping a ledger to make sure they receive at least as much back as they give. "The problem with equity is in the inevitable scorekeeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive. There is a better way. We can gladly offer our best efforts. We appreciate all that our partners offer. When we have unmet needs, we humbly invite: 'I could sure use a hand with putting the kids to bed tonight. Is this something you could help me with?' We give gladly and we receive graciously," (Goddard, H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.107). 

     When we know we can choose to control anger, it follows that we can choose to forgive. It is often difficult to forgive those we feel have wronged us in some way. But, as disciples of Jesus Christ, we must forgive. We are commanded to do so. Forgiveness is not about the other person, although it can work miracles in their life/lives as well, but it is ultimately a blessing for us. We feel the peace Christ has promised through his atonement when we lay our burdens, and hurts, upon His shoulders. Forgiveness is one way to lay those burdens down and let our wounds heal. President James E. Faust, a past member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said, "The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can only come as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven," ("The Healing Power of Forgiveness," General Conference April 2007, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng&query=forgiveness (Links to an external site.)).

     Dr. Goddard talks about the need for consecration in marriage. He says, "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. . . . we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p. 103). He goes on to say, "Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven," (p. 105) and "Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably live there. This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves," (p. 110). 

     I once had a conversation with my oldest daughter about, not only getting to the Celestial Kingdom, but being comfortable about staying there (for more information about the Celestial Kingdom see https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/gospel-topics/celestial-kingdom?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)). We were traveling together in the car and she chose to change the radio station. The music from this station was less than desirable, but rather than immediately turning it off I posed this question, "What kind of music do you imagine will be played in the Celestial Kingdom?" She thought about it and responded, "Probably hymns or church music or classical?" I then asked her if it was one of her goals to someday reach the highest kingdom of heaven and she expressed that she hoped she would. I then asked her, "Do you want to be enjoy listening to the type of music you would hear there?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Then maybe we ought to practice listening to that type of music." She changed the station. We then discussed how important it is to live life as a rehearsal for living in the Celestial Kingdom with Heaven Father and Jesus Christ, otherwise we will not be comfortable, nor enjoy, residing in such a place. As we consecrate our efforts to create a happy marriage and family we are participating in our dress rehearsal for Exaltation.

Week 8: Pride in Marriage

"Pride goeth before the fall" is the common expression, but to clarify, the scriptures actually read, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall," (Proverbs 16:18 KJV).  Continuing in Proverbs we read, "Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he," (Proverbs 16:19-20 KJV). Let's put this into perspective with marriage. Pride and haughtiness, or believing you are superior to your spouse, or even inferior, can wreak destruction in a marriage. It is better to be humble and concerned with your spouse's well-being than to end up dividing your goods and children in a divorce settlement. I believe that if both husband and wife can turn themselves and their marriage over to the Lord, and let Him direct their paths, then they can find happiness and joy immeasurable within their marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says, "Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save - both souls and marriages. When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles," (2009).

Pride can come in many forms. One of the most common, especially in marriage, is to see yourself as better than your spouse in some way. You may think that you are more capable or more intelligent than your spouse. You may even think that your ways are better or even the only correct way to do things. You have probably, at some point, found yourself thinking that only you can see and understand things as they really are and that if your spouse would only listen to you, he or she would come to the same viewpoint. Well guess what? Your spouse has probably thought the same thing about you. 

I remember thinking, in my early years of marriage, that I was better at working out the right things to do in any given situation than my husband was. Although I did not consciously think of myself as smarter, I certainly gave that impression to him. I later found out that he was very self-conscious about his intelligence. When he was a child, he had a teacher that took him aside and told him he was just stupid. It turns out he has dyslexia. The damage was done, and I was not helping him grow or making him happy when I kept on insisting that my way was best and he just needed to see that. I was reaffirming his belief that he was stupid. When I discovered how he felt, my heart softened and I took a good look at how my behaviors were affecting him. I realized, over time, that his viewpoints are just as valid as mine, and sometimes his ideas are even better than mine. I finally learned to listen to him and I discovered he had a wealth of wisdom to impart. But, again, the damage was done. I had added to his feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing his feelings of inadequacy, I finally told him, "I am far too intelligent a woman to have married a stupid man!" Of course, this did not change his feelings overnight, but as I became his champion and I looked for how he demonstrated intelligence, he gradually gained confidence in his mental abilities. I continue today to encourage him by asking for his opinion and advice whenever I can. I also try to follow his advice. He and I both know that I trust his judgement and his wisdom and in turn he seeks my counsel and wisdom.

President Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once gave a talk in the April 1989 General Conference of the Church. It was entitled, "Beware of Pride." In this talk he says, "The central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the state by which Satan wishes to reign over us." We need to beware of pride entering into our relationships, especially with our spouses. We exhibit pride when we argue, find fault, gossip, withhold gratitude or praise, or are unforgiving, selfish, easily offended, or hold grudges (see "Beware of Pride," Ezra T. Benson).  When any of these behaviors or attitudes exist between husband and wife, it is very difficult to come together in unity. It is also very difficult to come to God. The antidote is humility before God and charity toward your spouse. 

Sometime within my 30+ years of marriage, I came to the realization that I could not blame him for his faults when I had plenty of my own. I realized that I hoped he would be forgiving of my trespasses or shortcomings, and he is, so I needed to do the same for him. When I finally humanized instead of objectified my husband, I could understand that he was trying his best just as I was and that sometimes we would each make mistakes. But if we could go to our Heavenly Father, individually and as a couple, we could learn to see each other as He does. When we do this, the goodness in each other becomes highlighted and often the irritations melt away.

One of the best ways to exercise humility as a couple is to pray together. It is important to take turns expressing verbally to God your gratitude for your spouse and then asking Him to send specific blessings your spouse wants or needs. I can promise you that your hearts will soften toward each other and many of the things that irritated you about your spouse will be forgotten. 

Week 7: Be Not Weary

"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great," (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33).

What does this have to do with marriage? Everything! First of all, it is the small, everyday acts of kindness, the biting of the tongue, the walking in your spouse's shoes, that create a loving and lasting relationship. The romantic evenings out or big vacations are just icing on the cake. But, if those small acts are not consistent, the "icing" will not preserve a marriage. These small things done together and for each other that Dr. John Gottman calls, "turning toward each other," (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 87). When we recognize and respond positively to our spouse as they make "bids" (Gottman) for our attention, we are saying to them that they matter to us: their thoughts matter, their feelings matter, and their experiences matter. We build feelings of trust when we turn toward our spouse. 

My husband likes physical touch. I have learned that he responds well when I show him affection. He especially likes it when I initiate it. I will reach out to hold his hand when we are walking or sitting side-by-side. Another way I extend affection toward him is anytime we pass each other in our home, I stop him and give him a bear hug and a kiss. With our busy lives we don't always have the opportunity to share a common bedtime, so these little affections help him to know that I still love him and that I still value him in my life. He has often commented on how much these little acts have meant to him. He, in turn will sometimes, out of the blue, come find me and tell me I need a good hug and kiss, which he then gives me. Notice that the expression is hugs and kisses are given, not taken. I don't think this is mere coincidence.. To turn toward your spouse is a voluntary act and therefore cannot be taken.

Another thing we do to turn toward each other is to spend 10-20 minutes a day just "checking in." I am usually at home when he gets home from work. I follow him, as soon as I am able, to our bedroom where we tell each other about our day and catch up on the news of the day about family, church, school or work. We may even briefly discuss upcoming plans. This helps us stay connected and continues to build our friendship with one another. We talk about the children and what is going on in their lives, what happened at work or with school since I am a student currently, and often it includes things we did, who we spoke to, or what we learned in our day. 

Seeing opportunities to turn toward your spouse takes patience and practice. There will be many missed opportunities. Negative feelings may arise, either as a result of missed opportunities or opportunities are missed because we become wrapped up in that negativity. Remember to "weary not." It can be tiring and draining if we feel our needs and desires are not being met. We might become self-absorbed and no longer see that our spouse may also have unmet needs and desires. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard quotes President Gordon B. Hinckley, a past Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet, as saying, "I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. . . . There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, 'What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder' (Matthew 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule" ("What God Hath Joined Together," Ensign, May 1991, pp. 73-74). Dr. Goddard continues this line of thinking with, "As an almost universal rule, the best course is to honor covenants. One of the best-kept secrets in this world is that troubled, painful relationships can become both satisfying and growth-promoting as we fill ourselves with faith in God and love for His purposes. To quit a relationship because it is difficult is like dropping out of school because a course is so much harder and requires so much more of you than you expected" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 63). Of course, I am not saying that you should remain in a marriage where your safety is a concern, but otherwise, we should not consider divorce so readily. 

I have learned that there is an exception to "weary not." It would be to "weary the Lord" in prayer. When I have feelings of selfishness, or I do not know how to respond to my husband's negative thoughts and feelings, or my own, I pray. I know that God knows my husband perfectly and can see his heart and his potential. In the same vein, He knows me perfectly and can see my heart and my potential and it was He that joined my husband and I together. Through prayer we do not let any man put us asunder, which includes ourselves when we are being selfish instead of selfless. This is why it is so important to practice faith in Jesus Christ who can heal all wounds and hurts. This will lead us to be more forgiving and we can know the joy He wants to bless us with.

                     

Week 6: Cherish Your Spouse

The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of the word cherish:

"1. a. to hold dear: feel or show affection for; b. to keep or cultivate with care and affectection: NURTURE; 2. to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely" (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cherish (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

What do you cherish in life? Is it that trophy you won in the golf tournament or any other personal accomplishment or pursuit? Whatever you love, you put first in your life. In other words, you will prioritize what you cherish the most and that is where we expend most of our energies. But, what about your relationships, especially if you are married? Do you cherish your spouse? Are your time and energies expended on the relationship, or do hobbies and outside interests consume your time and love?

It isn't always easy to cherish your spouse. It takes work, time and patience. Marriage is the lab of human experience where we learn how to become unselfish and to put others before ourselves. It will take personal sacrifice. There may be things that you need to give up so that you have the time and energy you need to nurture your marriage. In a good marriage, your spouse will do the same thing. According to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a Family Life Specialist, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most precious" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,2009). One of my "pet affections" is binge watching tv. This hobby helps me relax and I really enjoy it, but it does not pay any dividends. My relationships are being robbed when I do not limit, or give up, the time spent on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime Video. So, I ask myself, "Who/what do I love more?" It is easy to sacrifice tv watching when I can answer that I love my husband more. 

To truly cherish your spouse you need to devote time to get to know, or become reacquainted with, each other. "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood" (Gottman, John, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015). Date nights are a great way to do this. You and your spouse should set aside time, weekly preferably, to spend uninterrupted alone time together. It does not need to be expensive. In fact, the more creative you can be, the more memorable the experience might be. Just be sure that whatever your plans are, that they provide opportunities to talk and share with one another your personal worlds. In my early marriage, when our children were young and we had very little money, date night usually was a home-cooked meal enjoyed after the children were put to bed. Now that most of them are grown, we try to run errands together, go out to eat,  or take a drive. These activities allow us time to catch up with each other and to talk about the things we think about as individuals.

As we work at enjoying time together, we will build a bank of positive emotions that we can draw upon when troubles come, and they will come. Sometimes, we need to adjust how we relate to and cherish each other. A few years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. During my three months of chemo, I was in survival mode and had to take care of myself. This often left my husband "out in the cold" so to speak. When he got a cold, he slept in a different bedroom so he wouldn't risk my health. He was not receiving the affection he was used to and was sorely missing it. One day he told me that it would go a long way if I would just reach out and rest my hand on his leg whenever we traveled in the car together. I realized that I had been so focused on my needs that I had not even recognized how much he was sacrificing for me. I began doing what he requested, and it has worked so well, that I continue to do it still today. Just last night he told me how much he appreciates that I do that. That simple act reminds us both of how much we do cherish each other and that we share fondness and friendship in a loving relationship. Kindness is simple, yet the rewards can be astounding!