I remember my mother hating the phrase, "The devil made me do it!" She always claimed that the devil could not make anyone do anything they didn't want to do, or in other words, the devil cannot take our right to choose away from us. When we find ourselves thinking, speaking, or acting negatively, WE CHOOSE TO DO SO. It is true that it may seem that we have an instant reaction that feels out of control, but in reality that reaction was laid brick by brick by earlier choices of thought and behavior.
Anger is one of those emotions that we, erroneously, think is out of our control. Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints explains, "A cunning part of [Satan's] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, 'I lost my temper.' Losing one's temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To 'lose something' implies 'not meaning to,' 'accidental,' 'involuntary,' 'not responsible' - careless perhaps but 'not responsible.' 'He made me mad.' This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don't make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!" ("Agency and Anger," General Conference April 1998, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger.p10?lang=eng).
Why is it so important to understand that our emotions and reactions are within our control? If we understand this, then we are better able to choose to take control of our emotions, especially in our relationships with those closest to us: our spouses, our children, our parents, etc. My daughter had a friend in high school that became very jealous of her. It appeared to this girl that my daughter led a very charmed life: she made friends easily, she got along with family, especially her parents, and she had a happy, bubbly personality. This other girl wished she could be happy in her own life. A wise church leader explained to this girl (and later shared with me) that the reason my daughter was so happy was because she consistently chose to be. "Happiness is a choice," this leader counseled. I learned from my mother and my own experiences, and I taught my daughter, that we do have choice in governing our emotions, both positive and negative. We may not be able to choose everything that will happen to us in our lives, but we can choose how we will react to those events.
In my early marriage, I was not so good at choosing happiness. I was too absorbed in thinking that I deserved more happiness than I was feeling and failed to recognize how I could take responsibility for my own happiness. I was more focused on what my husband was not doing to see to my needs, that I neglected to see that I was not seeing to his needs either. I decided I needed to forget myself and go to work to help him know happiness, which in turn makes me happy. I began to think more about his comfort and I thought about how my actions could effect him. I also tried to take notice of all the things he did for me. One of the things I noticed was how patient and forgiving he was of me.
To think more about making your spouse happy than making sure you are happy may seem counterintuitive to those who believe in "equitable" marriages where give-and-take is 50-50 but, as I have mentioned in earlier posts, successful marriages do not follow that formula. Instead, each partner should be concerned with helping their spouse know happiness without keeping a ledger to make sure they receive at least as much back as they give. "The problem with equity is in the inevitable scorekeeping that accompanies efforts toward it. Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions. At the same time, humans almost always under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others. Anything that encourages this natural-man tendency is destructive. There is a better way. We can gladly offer our best efforts. We appreciate all that our partners offer. When we have unmet needs, we humbly invite: 'I could sure use a hand with putting the kids to bed tonight. Is this something you could help me with?' We give gladly and we receive graciously," (Goddard, H. Wallace, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p.107).
When we know we can choose to control anger, it follows that we can choose to forgive. It is often difficult to forgive those we feel have wronged us in some way. But, as disciples of Jesus Christ, we must forgive. We are commanded to do so. Forgiveness is not about the other person, although it can work miracles in their life/lives as well, but it is ultimately a blessing for us. We feel the peace Christ has promised through his atonement when we lay our burdens, and hurts, upon His shoulders. Forgiveness is one way to lay those burdens down and let our wounds heal. President James E. Faust, a past member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said, "The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can only come as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven," ("The Healing Power of Forgiveness," General Conference April 2007, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/the-healing-power-of-forgiveness?lang=eng&query=forgiveness).
Dr. Goddard talks about the need for consecration in marriage. He says, "Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. . . . we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, p. 103). He goes on to say, "Consecration has everything to do with marriage. It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven," (p. 105) and "Consecration in marriage is not simply about receiving our entrance card to the Celestial Kingdom. It's also about becoming qualified for the life we will presumably live there. This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves," (p. 110).
I once had a conversation with my oldest daughter about, not only getting to the Celestial Kingdom, but being comfortable about staying there (for more information about the Celestial Kingdom see https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/gospel-topics/celestial-kingdom?lang=eng). We were traveling together in the car and she chose to change the radio station. The music from this station was less than desirable, but rather than immediately turning it off I posed this question, "What kind of music do you imagine will be played in the Celestial Kingdom?" She thought about it and responded, "Probably hymns or church music or classical?" I then asked her if it was one of her goals to someday reach the highest kingdom of heaven and she expressed that she hoped she would. I then asked her, "Do you want to be enjoy listening to the type of music you would hear there?" "Yeah, I guess so." "Then maybe we ought to practice listening to that type of music." She changed the station. We then discussed how important it is to live life as a rehearsal for living in the Celestial Kingdom with Heaven Father and Jesus Christ, otherwise we will not be comfortable, nor enjoy, residing in such a place. As we consecrate our efforts to create a happy marriage and family we are participating in our dress rehearsal for Exaltation.
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