"Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great," (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33).
What does this have to do with marriage? Everything! First of all, it is the small, everyday acts of kindness, the biting of the tongue, the walking in your spouse's shoes, that create a loving and lasting relationship. The romantic evenings out or big vacations are just icing on the cake. But, if those small acts are not consistent, the "icing" will not preserve a marriage. These small things done together and for each other that Dr. John Gottman calls, "turning toward each other," (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 87). When we recognize and respond positively to our spouse as they make "bids" (Gottman) for our attention, we are saying to them that they matter to us: their thoughts matter, their feelings matter, and their experiences matter. We build feelings of trust when we turn toward our spouse.
My husband likes physical touch. I have learned that he responds well when I show him affection. He especially likes it when I initiate it. I will reach out to hold his hand when we are walking or sitting side-by-side. Another way I extend affection toward him is anytime we pass each other in our home, I stop him and give him a bear hug and a kiss. With our busy lives we don't always have the opportunity to share a common bedtime, so these little affections help him to know that I still love him and that I still value him in my life. He has often commented on how much these little acts have meant to him. He, in turn will sometimes, out of the blue, come find me and tell me I need a good hug and kiss, which he then gives me. Notice that the expression is hugs and kisses are given, not taken. I don't think this is mere coincidence.. To turn toward your spouse is a voluntary act and therefore cannot be taken.
Another thing we do to turn toward each other is to spend 10-20 minutes a day just "checking in." I am usually at home when he gets home from work. I follow him, as soon as I am able, to our bedroom where we tell each other about our day and catch up on the news of the day about family, church, school or work. We may even briefly discuss upcoming plans. This helps us stay connected and continues to build our friendship with one another. We talk about the children and what is going on in their lives, what happened at work or with school since I am a student currently, and often it includes things we did, who we spoke to, or what we learned in our day.
Seeing opportunities to turn toward your spouse takes patience and practice. There will be many missed opportunities. Negative feelings may arise, either as a result of missed opportunities or opportunities are missed because we become wrapped up in that negativity. Remember to "weary not." It can be tiring and draining if we feel our needs and desires are not being met. We might become self-absorbed and no longer see that our spouse may also have unmet needs and desires. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard quotes President Gordon B. Hinckley, a past Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints prophet, as saying, "I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. . . . There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, 'What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder' (Matthew 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule" ("What God Hath Joined Together," Ensign, May 1991, pp. 73-74). Dr. Goddard continues this line of thinking with, "As an almost universal rule, the best course is to honor covenants. One of the best-kept secrets in this world is that troubled, painful relationships can become both satisfying and growth-promoting as we fill ourselves with faith in God and love for His purposes. To quit a relationship because it is difficult is like dropping out of school because a course is so much harder and requires so much more of you than you expected" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 63). Of course, I am not saying that you should remain in a marriage where your safety is a concern, but otherwise, we should not consider divorce so readily.
I have learned that there is an exception to "weary not." It would be to "weary the Lord" in prayer. When I have feelings of selfishness, or I do not know how to respond to my husband's negative thoughts and feelings, or my own, I pray. I know that God knows my husband perfectly and can see his heart and his potential. In the same vein, He knows me perfectly and can see my heart and my potential and it was He that joined my husband and I together. Through prayer we do not let any man put us asunder, which includes ourselves when we are being selfish instead of selfless. This is why it is so important to practice faith in Jesus Christ who can heal all wounds and hurts. This will lead us to be more forgiving and we can know the joy He wants to bless us with.
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