Week 8: Pride in Marriage

"Pride goeth before the fall" is the common expression, but to clarify, the scriptures actually read, "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall," (Proverbs 16:18 KJV).  Continuing in Proverbs we read, "Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he," (Proverbs 16:19-20 KJV). Let's put this into perspective with marriage. Pride and haughtiness, or believing you are superior to your spouse, or even inferior, can wreak destruction in a marriage. It is better to be humble and concerned with your spouse's well-being than to end up dividing your goods and children in a divorce settlement. I believe that if both husband and wife can turn themselves and their marriage over to the Lord, and let Him direct their paths, then they can find happiness and joy immeasurable within their marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says, "Rather than depend on our own limited abilities, we can have the humility to go to God for help. And He is mighty to save - both souls and marriages. When we trust God enough to turn our lives over to Him, He does miracles," (2009).

Pride can come in many forms. One of the most common, especially in marriage, is to see yourself as better than your spouse in some way. You may think that you are more capable or more intelligent than your spouse. You may even think that your ways are better or even the only correct way to do things. You have probably, at some point, found yourself thinking that only you can see and understand things as they really are and that if your spouse would only listen to you, he or she would come to the same viewpoint. Well guess what? Your spouse has probably thought the same thing about you. 

I remember thinking, in my early years of marriage, that I was better at working out the right things to do in any given situation than my husband was. Although I did not consciously think of myself as smarter, I certainly gave that impression to him. I later found out that he was very self-conscious about his intelligence. When he was a child, he had a teacher that took him aside and told him he was just stupid. It turns out he has dyslexia. The damage was done, and I was not helping him grow or making him happy when I kept on insisting that my way was best and he just needed to see that. I was reaffirming his belief that he was stupid. When I discovered how he felt, my heart softened and I took a good look at how my behaviors were affecting him. I realized, over time, that his viewpoints are just as valid as mine, and sometimes his ideas are even better than mine. I finally learned to listen to him and I discovered he had a wealth of wisdom to impart. But, again, the damage was done. I had added to his feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing his feelings of inadequacy, I finally told him, "I am far too intelligent a woman to have married a stupid man!" Of course, this did not change his feelings overnight, but as I became his champion and I looked for how he demonstrated intelligence, he gradually gained confidence in his mental abilities. I continue today to encourage him by asking for his opinion and advice whenever I can. I also try to follow his advice. He and I both know that I trust his judgement and his wisdom and in turn he seeks my counsel and wisdom.

President Ezra Taft Benson, a former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, once gave a talk in the April 1989 General Conference of the Church. It was entitled, "Beware of Pride." In this talk he says, "The central feature of pride is enmity - enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the state by which Satan wishes to reign over us." We need to beware of pride entering into our relationships, especially with our spouses. We exhibit pride when we argue, find fault, gossip, withhold gratitude or praise, or are unforgiving, selfish, easily offended, or hold grudges (see "Beware of Pride," Ezra T. Benson).  When any of these behaviors or attitudes exist between husband and wife, it is very difficult to come together in unity. It is also very difficult to come to God. The antidote is humility before God and charity toward your spouse. 

Sometime within my 30+ years of marriage, I came to the realization that I could not blame him for his faults when I had plenty of my own. I realized that I hoped he would be forgiving of my trespasses or shortcomings, and he is, so I needed to do the same for him. When I finally humanized instead of objectified my husband, I could understand that he was trying his best just as I was and that sometimes we would each make mistakes. But if we could go to our Heavenly Father, individually and as a couple, we could learn to see each other as He does. When we do this, the goodness in each other becomes highlighted and often the irritations melt away.

One of the best ways to exercise humility as a couple is to pray together. It is important to take turns expressing verbally to God your gratitude for your spouse and then asking Him to send specific blessings your spouse wants or needs. I can promise you that your hearts will soften toward each other and many of the things that irritated you about your spouse will be forgotten.