The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of the word cherish:
"1. a. to hold dear: feel or show affection for; b. to keep or cultivate with care and affectection: NURTURE; 2. to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely" (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cherish).
What do you cherish in life? Is it that trophy you won in the golf tournament or any other personal accomplishment or pursuit? Whatever you love, you put first in your life. In other words, you will prioritize what you cherish the most and that is where we expend most of our energies. But, what about your relationships, especially if you are married? Do you cherish your spouse? Are your time and energies expended on the relationship, or do hobbies and outside interests consume your time and love?
It isn't always easy to cherish your spouse. It takes work, time and patience. Marriage is the lab of human experience where we learn how to become unselfish and to put others before ourselves. It will take personal sacrifice. There may be things that you need to give up so that you have the time and energy you need to nurture your marriage. In a good marriage, your spouse will do the same thing. According to Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a Family Life Specialist, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most precious" (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,2009). One of my "pet affections" is binge watching tv. This hobby helps me relax and I really enjoy it, but it does not pay any dividends. My relationships are being robbed when I do not limit, or give up, the time spent on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime Video. So, I ask myself, "Who/what do I love more?" It is easy to sacrifice tv watching when I can answer that I love my husband more.
To truly cherish your spouse you need to devote time to get to know, or become reacquainted with, each other. "There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood" (Gottman, John, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015). Date nights are a great way to do this. You and your spouse should set aside time, weekly preferably, to spend uninterrupted alone time together. It does not need to be expensive. In fact, the more creative you can be, the more memorable the experience might be. Just be sure that whatever your plans are, that they provide opportunities to talk and share with one another your personal worlds. In my early marriage, when our children were young and we had very little money, date night usually was a home-cooked meal enjoyed after the children were put to bed. Now that most of them are grown, we try to run errands together, go out to eat, or take a drive. These activities allow us time to catch up with each other and to talk about the things we think about as individuals.
As we work at enjoying time together, we will build a bank of positive emotions that we can draw upon when troubles come, and they will come. Sometimes, we need to adjust how we relate to and cherish each other. A few years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. During my three months of chemo, I was in survival mode and had to take care of myself. This often left my husband "out in the cold" so to speak. When he got a cold, he slept in a different bedroom so he wouldn't risk my health. He was not receiving the affection he was used to and was sorely missing it. One day he told me that it would go a long way if I would just reach out and rest my hand on his leg whenever we traveled in the car together. I realized that I had been so focused on my needs that I had not even recognized how much he was sacrificing for me. I began doing what he requested, and it has worked so well, that I continue to do it still today. Just last night he told me how much he appreciates that I do that. That simple act reminds us both of how much we do cherish each other and that we share fondness and friendship in a loving relationship. Kindness is simple, yet the rewards can be astounding!
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