Week 5: Marry Your Best Friend

I have a brother-in-law that dreamed of marrying a model-beautiful woman, and he believed he deserved to do so. In the meantime, he was spending a lot of time with a girl that didn't fit that mold, and although he enjoyed her company, he did not see her as a potential wife. She was just the filler until his model wife came along. We, his family and friends, could all see that she loved him and that he loved her, too. Finally, his mother took him aside and opened his eyes to the reality that this girl was his best friend and he was happy when he spent time with her. He finally saw in her potential to be his wife. He did marry her and they have been very happy now for over 15 years!

Friendship in a marital relationship is essential for a happy marriage. It builds a sure emotional foundation for the couple that will help them weather life's storms together. Those storms may be challenges that are just part of life or it can come within the relationship itself when the partners are faced with conflict. Friendship within marriage leads to other benefits as well. Dr. John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 22). I have often taught my children, and their friends, that marrying your best friend is better than marrying the best looking person or the wealthiest, or any other superficial criteria that the media portrays as important. It is important to enjoy each other's company, in all realms of the relationship, not just physical intimacy.

Dr. Gottman goes on to say, "In the strongest marriage, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just 'get along'--they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together" (The Seven Principles, p. 28). My mother told me this little saying when I was about to marry, "You are more important than I, but we are more important than either you or I." She was telling me that we should be concerned about each other more than ourselves, but that neither of us should abuse that concern. We should be finding ways to strengthen our bond with one another and that should be a priority over any individual pursuits. It is okay to have individual pursuits, but they should not become more important to you than your spouse. In my own life, I sometimes have to step back and evaluate whether or not I am making my husband and my marriage first in my life. My husband and I have found, that overall, we do support one another, have real concern for each other's welfare, and we enjoy being together. We have also found that life can trip you up if you aren't watching for its pitfalls and making course corrections from time to time. 

Another thing I would like to share about developing a foundation of love, friendship, commitment, and trust in marriage is a piece of advice given to a group of adults in a church setting by one of our general authorities. He was visiting our area and he told us, as couples, we should be saying a couples' prayer together, at least nightly. In our homes we have individual prayer, family prayer, and prayers that bless our meals, families, and travel, but one of the most important prayers is the one couples make together. He suggested that the following pattern would strengthen a marriage more than we thought possible. When you kneel together as husband and wife you should alternate turns each time praying aloud to Heavenly Father. When it is your turn, you should thank Heavenly Father for your spouse with a specific appreciation. Then, you should ask for a specific blessing that you know your spouse needs or would desire. He told us that there is something about hearing your spouse speak about you and you speaking about your spouse in this manner opens the floodgates of love. When these things are vocalized in each other's presence, it creates an atmosphere where criticism is diminished. I can say that my husband and I went home and began praying that way that very night. It was one of the best things we do as a couple and it really works. This is an attribute of Christ-like love. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a past Apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said about Christ-like love, "There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter" (The Great Commandment, October General Conference 2007, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). Healthy marriages depend on having a solid friendship with respect and support and happy marriages thrive when both partners practice Christ-like love and concern for each other.