Week 4: Contract or Covenant?

Contract-the writing which contains the agreement of parties with the terms and conditions, and which serves as a proof of the obligation (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/contract (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

Covenant-to come; a coming together; a meeting or agreement of the minds (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/covenant (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

     Marriage should never be simply a contract. To view it as such devalues marriage and its potential. Marriage is, and always has been, mankind's highest form of a relationship. It binds people together in ways that no mere contract can. Yet, marriage is treated as a contract, one that can be broken when one or more parties is not getting what they bargained for. Rather than view marriage as a contract. let us elevate our thinking and view marriage as a covenant, one made between a man and a woman and God. To illustrate the difference, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a general authority for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, taught "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent" (Covenant Marriage, October 1996, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).  I was taught this very principle by my own mother. Contract marriages are all about what's in it for me while covenant marriages are about what's in it for us as we grow and work together to overcome our challenges. 

     In keeping with the idea of a covenant marriage, it is important to understand that nothing else in this world is supreme to it. Elder David A. Bednar, an Apostle of the Lord said, "no instrumentality or organization can take the place of the home or perform its essential functions" (Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, June 2006, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). My father never put any other duty before his wife, my mother, not even his children. We came in a close second and I believe that is how it should be. I once viewed a talk show where there was a mother that declared this principle. She said that her husband came first, before her children. The audience was outraged at her. They did not understand, and would not listen to her explain, that she loved her children immensely and she never neglected them, but that her husband and her marriage were her foundation. If a marriage is not on a sure foundation, where will the children be anyway? A strong, healthy and happy marriage create the best circumstances for strong, healthy and happy children. Nourishing your marriage is never a form of neglecting your children.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I regard marriage and family as eternal and that they appropriately begin in a temple of the Lord. President Ezra Taft Benson, a past prophet of The Church taught, "The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, 'That is the place where we were married for eternity.' By doing so, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children while very young" (What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children About the Temple, August 1995, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). I, myself, was married to my sweetheart of 30 years in the Logan, Utah Temple and we have a picture of it hanging in our home. We speak often of our temple wedding with our children.

Let's talk about one of the traps that ensnares a marriage into the contractual viewpoint: Individualism. Elder Hafen mentions that it is one of three wolves that is out to destroy a covenant marriage (1996). I graduated from high school in the 1980s when the "Me Generation" hype was at its apex. In fact, at the end of my senior year, my graduating class was treated to a special assembly with a guest speaker chosen to speak specifically to us as we prepared to embark on the real world. I was appalled when the speaker extolled the ideals of living in the Me Generation Era. He felt it was important for us to embrace the idea that we must always put ourselves first and if anyone did not meet our needs or wants, we should move on, regardless of the relationship. I had never heard such selfish drivel in all my young life and I was even more appalled that most of my classmates were drinking in the sentiments. 

Here is another idea, a better idea. We should try to view and treat others, especially our spouse, as Jesus Christ does. We should try to emulate Christ-like qualities within ourselves, for in doing such, we not only help to improve ourselves, but each other and we strengthen relationships. Elder Bednar reminds us of one of my favorite ways to approach marriage. It is the three-way marriage covenant that includes our Savior in a triangle pattern. The Savior is at the apex and the husband and wife are the other two corners at the bottom.  "As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of the distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness. . . is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants" (Bednar, 2006). I know as my husband and I strive, individually and as a couple, to grow closer to the Lord, we do grow closer together and our love for the Lord and each other grows exponentially!