Week 5: Marry Your Best Friend

I have a brother-in-law that dreamed of marrying a model-beautiful woman, and he believed he deserved to do so. In the meantime, he was spending a lot of time with a girl that didn't fit that mold, and although he enjoyed her company, he did not see her as a potential wife. She was just the filler until his model wife came along. We, his family and friends, could all see that she loved him and that he loved her, too. Finally, his mother took him aside and opened his eyes to the reality that this girl was his best friend and he was happy when he spent time with her. He finally saw in her potential to be his wife. He did marry her and they have been very happy now for over 15 years!

Friendship in a marital relationship is essential for a happy marriage. It builds a sure emotional foundation for the couple that will help them weather life's storms together. Those storms may be challenges that are just part of life or it can come within the relationship itself when the partners are faced with conflict. Friendship within marriage leads to other benefits as well. Dr. John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, says, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, p. 22). I have often taught my children, and their friends, that marrying your best friend is better than marrying the best looking person or the wealthiest, or any other superficial criteria that the media portrays as important. It is important to enjoy each other's company, in all realms of the relationship, not just physical intimacy.

Dr. Gottman goes on to say, "In the strongest marriage, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don't just 'get along'--they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together" (The Seven Principles, p. 28). My mother told me this little saying when I was about to marry, "You are more important than I, but we are more important than either you or I." She was telling me that we should be concerned about each other more than ourselves, but that neither of us should abuse that concern. We should be finding ways to strengthen our bond with one another and that should be a priority over any individual pursuits. It is okay to have individual pursuits, but they should not become more important to you than your spouse. In my own life, I sometimes have to step back and evaluate whether or not I am making my husband and my marriage first in my life. My husband and I have found, that overall, we do support one another, have real concern for each other's welfare, and we enjoy being together. We have also found that life can trip you up if you aren't watching for its pitfalls and making course corrections from time to time. 

Another thing I would like to share about developing a foundation of love, friendship, commitment, and trust in marriage is a piece of advice given to a group of adults in a church setting by one of our general authorities. He was visiting our area and he told us, as couples, we should be saying a couples' prayer together, at least nightly. In our homes we have individual prayer, family prayer, and prayers that bless our meals, families, and travel, but one of the most important prayers is the one couples make together. He suggested that the following pattern would strengthen a marriage more than we thought possible. When you kneel together as husband and wife you should alternate turns each time praying aloud to Heavenly Father. When it is your turn, you should thank Heavenly Father for your spouse with a specific appreciation. Then, you should ask for a specific blessing that you know your spouse needs or would desire. He told us that there is something about hearing your spouse speak about you and you speaking about your spouse in this manner opens the floodgates of love. When these things are vocalized in each other's presence, it creates an atmosphere where criticism is diminished. I can say that my husband and I went home and began praying that way that very night. It was one of the best things we do as a couple and it really works. This is an attribute of Christ-like love. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, a past Apostle in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has said about Christ-like love, "There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter" (The Great Commandment, October General Conference 2007, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/the-great-commandment?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). Healthy marriages depend on having a solid friendship with respect and support and happy marriages thrive when both partners practice Christ-like love and concern for each other.

Virtual Tour of the Rome Temple

This is a virtual tour of the Rome Temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Your guides are Elder David A. Bednar and Elder Ronald A. Rasband, two modern-day Apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ. I invite you to view this video so that you may understand the importance and sacredness of the temples to faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is in the temples of the Lord where couples and families are sealed together for eternity.

Week 4: Contract or Covenant?

Contract-the writing which contains the agreement of parties with the terms and conditions, and which serves as a proof of the obligation (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/contract (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

Covenant-to come; a coming together; a meeting or agreement of the minds (http://webstersdictionary1828.com/Dictionary/covenant (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).

     Marriage should never be simply a contract. To view it as such devalues marriage and its potential. Marriage is, and always has been, mankind's highest form of a relationship. It binds people together in ways that no mere contract can. Yet, marriage is treated as a contract, one that can be broken when one or more parties is not getting what they bargained for. Rather than view marriage as a contract. let us elevate our thinking and view marriage as a covenant, one made between a man and a woman and God. To illustrate the difference, Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a general authority for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, taught "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent" (Covenant Marriage, October 1996, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.).  I was taught this very principle by my own mother. Contract marriages are all about what's in it for me while covenant marriages are about what's in it for us as we grow and work together to overcome our challenges. 

     In keeping with the idea of a covenant marriage, it is important to understand that nothing else in this world is supreme to it. Elder David A. Bednar, an Apostle of the Lord said, "no instrumentality or organization can take the place of the home or perform its essential functions" (Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, June 2006, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). My father never put any other duty before his wife, my mother, not even his children. We came in a close second and I believe that is how it should be. I once viewed a talk show where there was a mother that declared this principle. She said that her husband came first, before her children. The audience was outraged at her. They did not understand, and would not listen to her explain, that she loved her children immensely and she never neglected them, but that her husband and her marriage were her foundation. If a marriage is not on a sure foundation, where will the children be anyway? A strong, healthy and happy marriage create the best circumstances for strong, healthy and happy children. Nourishing your marriage is never a form of neglecting your children.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I regard marriage and family as eternal and that they appropriately begin in a temple of the Lord. President Ezra Taft Benson, a past prophet of The Church taught, "The temple is an ever-present reminder that God intends the family to be eternal. How fitting it is for mothers and fathers to point to the temple and say to their children, 'That is the place where we were married for eternity.' By doing so, the ideal of temple marriage can be instilled within the minds and hearts of your children while very young" (What I Hope You Will Teach Your Children About the Temple, August 1995, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.). I, myself, was married to my sweetheart of 30 years in the Logan, Utah Temple and we have a picture of it hanging in our home. We speak often of our temple wedding with our children.

Let's talk about one of the traps that ensnares a marriage into the contractual viewpoint: Individualism. Elder Hafen mentions that it is one of three wolves that is out to destroy a covenant marriage (1996). I graduated from high school in the 1980s when the "Me Generation" hype was at its apex. In fact, at the end of my senior year, my graduating class was treated to a special assembly with a guest speaker chosen to speak specifically to us as we prepared to embark on the real world. I was appalled when the speaker extolled the ideals of living in the Me Generation Era. He felt it was important for us to embrace the idea that we must always put ourselves first and if anyone did not meet our needs or wants, we should move on, regardless of the relationship. I had never heard such selfish drivel in all my young life and I was even more appalled that most of my classmates were drinking in the sentiments. 

Here is another idea, a better idea. We should try to view and treat others, especially our spouse, as Jesus Christ does. We should try to emulate Christ-like qualities within ourselves, for in doing such, we not only help to improve ourselves, but each other and we strengthen relationships. Elder Bednar reminds us of one of my favorite ways to approach marriage. It is the three-way marriage covenant that includes our Savior in a triangle pattern. The Savior is at the apex and the husband and wife are the other two corners at the bottom.  "As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of the distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness. . . is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants" (Bednar, 2006). I know as my husband and I strive, individually and as a couple, to grow closer to the Lord, we do grow closer together and our love for the Lord and each other grows exponentially!

Week 3: What is Marriage? Why Does It Matter?

What is Marriage? Why Does It Matter?

     "In his first American dictionary, Noah Webster defined marriage as 'the legal union of a man and woman for life,' which served the purposes of 'preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, . . . promoting domestic felicity, and . . . securing the maintenance and education of children.' 1 An American Dictionary of the English Language (1828)." (Chief Justice Roberts of the Supreme Court-Dissent Obergefell v. Hodges, p. 6). "We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995). Marriage has long been understood and accepted as a union between, not just any two people, but between a man and a woman. The reason being is that it is just such a union that has the potential to create new life in the form of children. So, not only does marriage bring together two individuals, but it should also create the opportunity to produce offspring. 

     On June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court handed down a decision that allowed same-sex marriage as part of the law of the land. I have family I love who have chosen same-sex marriages. My belief is that God does not accept these unions as marriage and my heart is torn. My belief is firm that God says marriage is between a man and a woman. I do believe that God has given individuals the right to make their own choices, so, I respect their right to choose how they will lead their lives. But, I do not appreciate anyone thinking they can change my beliefs just because a law was changed. I have accepted that I will not change their beliefs, and all I ask is that they accept they cannot change mine. I still love them and enjoy their company. My heart remains torn, because according to my beliefs, my loved ones are in defiance of God and I wish it wasn't so.

     As part of the Supreme Court's Decision in 2015, the Court attests the following: "No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were" (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2005). It seems that the Supreme Court Justices have the utmost respect for the institution of marriage, and yet, as one reads their decision one has to question that respect. Their esteem for marriage seems false because they altered what marriage is, at least for mankind in the United States. They cannot, however, alter what it is to God since He is, afterall, the author of marriage. Four Justices did not agree with the Court decision and they published Dissents. Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas and Alito had some variations of dissent, but they all agreed that the Court's decision was not Constitutional because it was not based upon law but upon a social agenda and opinion. The Court's decision also reversed the will of the people, who had in their various States voiced at the ballot box their wish to retain the traditional definition of marriage. The Court did not follow Due Process, but legislated from the bench. 5 men and women legislated and declared law, robbing the people of their say in the matter. 

   But God has a say. And He will say it through us, His disciples. Russell M. Nelson, then an Apostle of the Lord declared, "Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge. God is our judge. For each of us, Judgement Day will be held in God's own way and time. The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel" (Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage, 2014). I wish to please God more than man, so I speak up in saying that marriage has always been and will forever be between a man and a woman, Amen.

Week 2: All Is Safely Gathered In

All Is Safely Gathered In

     I grew up in a home where marriage was promoted. My mother and father genuinely loved each other and treated each other with love as well as with respect, dignity, and consideration. They talked about marriage with their children and they taught us that, when we married, we should expect to give of ourselves more than we expected to take. My mother hated the phrase "marriage is 50/50." She said that sometimes one spouse would receive much more than they gave, for the moment, but that spouses who loved one another always strive to give more and certainly not to keep score! She said as each spouse tried to give at least 90%, then neither would feel ill-used.

    

     My father often quoted President David O. McKay, "No success can compensate for failure in the home" ("Lesson 22: Creating a Successful Family," The Eternal Family Teacher Manual, 2015, https://www.lds.org/manual/the-eternal-family-teacher-manual/lesson-22-creating-a-successful-family?lang=eng). Dad taught us that nothing the world has to offer could possibly be more important, nor need to take a higher priority, than the work of the family. He taught that marriage and children are the most sacred of obligations, the most important human rights, and the greatest of privileges that God has ever given mankind. In addition, we learned from Mom and Dad that happy, healthy marriages take work. Sometimes very hard work which can be difficult and painful but, the work of marriage is mostly pleasant and enjoyable when both spouses work together to find harmony.

                    

     Growing up, I only knew one couple who divorced: my Aunt Linda and her husband, my former Uncle Harry. I learned in later years that my Aunt Linda never expected to have long-term marriage with Harry. She only wanted to have a reason to leave home. What is truly tragic is that Linda and Harry had three children together before divorcing. Paul Amato, a professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University wrote, "Because many social scientists, policymakers, and members of the general public believe that a two-parent household is the optimal setting for children's development, the decline in such households has generated widespread concern about the well-being of American children" (2005). Of course, I know that I was not as impacted as my cousins, but I still remember being very confused that Harry was no longer my uncle. How could that be?! He was still my cousins' father, but because of the divorce, Harry was no longer a part of my family. I was very sad and I have never again had the opportunity to interact with him!

                                     

     As I reflect on what I can do now and in the future to "preserve" an intact family, I am reminded of the hymn "Come, Ye Thankful People" (Hymn # 94, 1985). 

     Come, ye thankful people, come;

Raise the song of harvest home.

All is safely gathered in

Ere the winter storms begin.

God, our Maker, doth provide

For our wants to be supplied.

Come to God's own temple, come:

Raise the song of harvest home.

People often think of harvesting the fields and putting up food storage in relation to this hymn. But it occurred to me that it could also represent what should be occurring in our familial relationships with spouse and children. I desire to "safely gather in" my family within the protective borders of the gospel of Jesus Christ. "God, our Maker" truly does provide the way and the means to do this. Marriage and family can be sealed together forever within His temples and living according to His commandments is the best protection against the destructive forces of the outside world. It is possible to be "Safely Gathered In."

                                          

                                                                   

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