Week 13: You Are Marrying Not Only Me, But My Family Too, Honey

When a couple marries, it is not just between them, they also "marry" each other's family. Not only is there a newly created couple, but there are newly created in-laws as well. Another factor to consider is that each spouse brings to the marriage certain family rules: spoken and unspoken. These rules need to be acknowledged, understood, and discussed by the couple so they can decide, together, how those rules will impact them, or if they want to change any of the rules in their new family. Family Life professors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen about unspoken rules wrote, "Examples of unspoken rules include how family members handle conflict, who is involved in making decisions, how emotionally expressive family members can comfortably be, how humor is demonstrated in the family, or what topics should not be discussed. The clearer the family rules are, the better, because new sons- or daughters-in-law can't follow rules if they don't understand them," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). My husband is one of nine children. When I first met his family, after we were engaged, we were having dinner with the whole family. The kitchen table was round and it had a lazy Susan center so the food could be wheeled to each diner. The family rule, my husband explained to me, was that the dad was the only one to turn the wheel for the first go around. If you missed an item, you would have to wait until it made its way around and then it was up for grabs by anyone. Often, there wasn't much left afterword to choose from. I came from a home where we asked for the dishes to be passed to each other as we desired. So, if it were not for my husband watching out for me, I would have missed out on dinner that evening.

Obviously, this family rule was a mild one as far as the potential it had for creating conflict between my husband and I. In fact, it didn't create any conflict. But, when it comes to values, how to discipline children, which relatives to visit on special occasions, or what traditions to incorporate, conflict can and will arise until a couple can work through deciding what to do about those rules and traditions. To complicate matters, sometimes in-laws put undue pressure on their newly married children to adapt their same family practices as well as expecting the same level of home involvement as before marriage. It can be difficult to share your child with other people, but in-laws need to recognize that a newly married couple is a family of their own now and they should be allowed to make family decisions for themselves that will nurture that couple's relationship with each other. My husband and I spent our first year and a half of marriage in residence near my parents in Texas while his were in Utah. We had our first child while living in Texas. Because my mother taught me that my family was with my husband and our children now, my parents waited for invitations to be involved in our new family. They expressed their love and concern for us and they spoiled their new grandbaby, but they did not impose their will upon us as we began forming our new family. When our daughter was five months old we moved to Utah. My husband's father found a job opportunity for us and helped us make the move. We were happy because we both wanted to live in Utah to raise our family. Utah was home to both of us. But, that was when I had to make some adjustments to being away from my family and near his. Some of those adjustments were made more difficult by my perspectives, but some were by his parents' perspectives. Unlike my parents, they continued to try to "parent" us. Even my husband eventually wearied of their "helpfulness."Harper and Frost Olsen say, "Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children's beliefs, and unclear and indirect family communication," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). My in-laws fell trap to many of these and conflict was high for a number of years.  But, we did eventually develop loving and supportive relationships. Partly because we genuinely loved them and each other and we talked about our own expectations as a couple and then shared these with them. Sometimes there were hurt feelings, but none of ever gave up because we all believe in an eternal family and we know we were sent here to learn to love one another. At the time, it helped that we lived a couple of hours away, so we had plenty of time apart but we were also close enough to choose to spend time together, which we did on a regular basis.

There were a couple of beneficial practices that my in-laws and I did that helped us to create happy relationships with each other. First of all, I asked if I could call them Mom and Dad. Harper and Frost Olsen make this comment, "While awkward at first, stronger bonds are formed when in-law children call their in-law parents Dad and Mom and get past the idea that this somehow compromises their loyalty to their own parents," (Helping and Healing Our Families, Chapter 37 "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"). I had no qualms calling my in-laws Mom and Dad because my dad called his widowed mother-in-law, Mother. Grandma had told me how much she appreciated the love and respect my father demonstrated to her by doing so. I did have to make it clear, however, that I was not placing myself in a child's role. I still expected to be treated as an adult and to trust their son and I to learn for ourselves to trust in and lean on the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

                              

The other practice was to spend quality time with each of my parents-in-law. I often went shopping with my mother-in-law and I played games or had late-night discussions with my father-in-law. Those times afforded us opportunities to really get to know one another and to form personal and happy memories together. I could talk with my father-in-law about anything from politics to gospel subjects. My mother-in-law and I talked about raising children, serving missions with our husbands someday, and sharing our love for and testimonies of the gospel. It was those times that helped us overcome any hurt feelings that may have occurred from misunderstandings. Both of my parents-in-law are now deceased, but shortly before my mother-in-law passed away I was able to tell her that I had learned to, not only love her, but really like her. 

Week 12: Difference Is Not Inequality

     M. Russell Ballard, an Apostle of the Lord, has said, "Our Father in Heaven loves all of His children equally, perfectly, and infinitely. His love is no different for His daughters than for His sons. Our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, also loves men and women equally. His Atonement and His gospel are for all of God's children," (Counseling with Our Councils, 1997). Never has God or Christ held men above women, nor women above men. Men and women are designed to compliment and complete one another, especially in marriage and as parents. Men and women are equal in the site of God yet, the God-given roles of men and women are different. I grew up in a home where my father went to work to provide for the family's needs and my mother was at home caring for and nurturing us. As their children, we never knew a difference between Mom's or Dad's love for us, nor was one's responsibility to teach us any greater than the other. They were different in their expressions of love and how they taught, but they were never divided by whose "job" it was to do either. They were united in their purpose as husband and wife and as parents.

Elder Ballard continues, "Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan - and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant. . . .Both men and women are to serve their families and others, but the specific ways in which they do so are sometimes different. For example, God has revealed through His prophets that men are to receive the priesthood, to become fathers, and with gentleness and pure, unfeigned love to lead and nurture their families in righteousness, taking for their pattern the way the Savior leads the Church. Men have also been given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family. Women have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment. In this divinely sanctioned partnership, husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family. Such a couple provide the children born to their union a home where they can be fully nurtured by both a mother and a father. By appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress," (Counseling with Our Councils, 1997).

     My mother and father often expressed their testimony that they knew their roles were divinely appointed. They were glad to serve one another as partners and they were glad to fulfill their respective roles in our home. In my own life, I have sought, as a mother, to be primarily in the home with my children. I do work outside the home, but for minimal hours, and with the blessing of my family. I am still available whenever my children need me. I take very seriously my role as their nurturer and teacher. My husband regards with seriousness his role as provider, protector, and teacher. We, as a couple, counsel together regarding the affairs of our home, especially our relationship with each other, relationships with our children, their relationships with each other and our relationship with Christ.

     As I was going off to become married, my mother gave me two pieces of advice that have proved to be invaluable. First, to nurture my marriage, I had to communicate as a partner with my husband. He and I were to turn toward one another as we discussed anything that pertained to the two of us and to refrain from taking our concerns "home" to Mom and Dad. Although I would always be welcome in my parents' home, it would no longer be my home. My home was with my husband. The second piece of advice she gave me was to not let our children divide and conquer us. We were act with unity in front of our children. If we had differences of opinion, we were discuss those privately. We, as parents, should refrain from making decisions regarding our children until we had come to consensus on those decisions. Along with that, she advised me to be a mother first to my children. Friendship with your children is great, and advisable, but not by sacrificing being a parent. Richard B. Miller, PhD, director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University spoke about issues of power in family relationships. He said, "In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the 'executive committee' and the 'board of directors' of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership," ("Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families," BYU Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008).

     When a loving and committed couple, husband and wife, work together as partners, each willing to perform their different, but equal, parts, they will find unity and harmony as they seek to know and do the Lord's will. They will find joy in each other's company and help as they work together to raise children in righteousness. Children will benefit as they see Mom and Dad love and respect one another and present a united front for their children. Children need stability and structure, both of which will be provided by a couple who respect, defend, and support one another. It took some time for my husband and I to really come together in harmony as a couple and as parents, but it has given our home that stability. We have love and harmony and our children know that Mom and Dad can work through anything together.

Week 11: United in Body, Mind, and Soul

    "Union: an act or instance of uniting or joining two things into one: such as a uniting in marriage," (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/union). (Links to an exterThe fact that we call a marriage a union is no incidental thing. When two people come together in marriage, they are united and intended to be as one. What does this mean? It means, quoting Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression" (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 90). To restate: when two people join together in the union of marriage, they pledge allof the hearts, minds, bodies, souls, and strength to one another and none else. Fidelity to one's spouse includes not just the physical, but the emotional, intellectual, and the spiritual. Dr. Goddard reiterates this when he says, "The covenant we make with God to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage precludes not only physical, but also romantic relationships outside of marriage, even if they are only mental or emotional" (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p.91).

     This fidelity needs to be guarded. Temptations to share what belongs to a spouse with another are subtle and often begin quite innocently. I know that I have been tempted at times to be drawn into special friendships with those of my opposite gender that are not my husband. The feelings of elation over a stimulating conversation can be titillating. The draw to seek out more conversation and time spent with that person is difficult to ignore. At the first sign of temptation, it is time to get your spouse involved. There are two ways to do this and you should do both. First, seek to spend more time with your spouse and make a mental list, or maybe even a physical list, of the things you appreciate about him or her. Then, any time you have interaction with the other person you are drawn to, do so only in the presence of, and in conjunction with, your spouse. As you return intimacy to your spouse, and you involve him or her in your friendships, you will find that your full heart and attention are redirected toward your spouse. If these two suggestions do not alleviate the inappropriate attraction it would be wise to cut of interaction with your special friend. Remember, you promised a union with your spouse and that you would cleave to none else (see D&C 42:22). 

     To help prevent a wandering attraction, attention needs to be given to all aspects of the marital relationship. This will include sex. Sex was designed by God, not only for bringing children into a family, but to beautifully join a husband and wife together in a sacred and special bond. I remember my mother teaching that sex is beautiful and glorious when it is shared between a man and a woman who are married to one another. It is only beautiful within those bounds. Inside a marital relationship it is God-sanctioned and blessed. It is not so at any other time. Of course, sexual relations are not limited to, nor should be exclusive of, the physical act. The sharing of lives between a husband and wife enhances the physical act of sex. Sex is most enjoyable when it is offered and experienced with attendant love. I feel closer to my husband when we have had a good conversation, or have been able to work through a problem together, or have been able to spend time with one another in some other enjoyable activity. When I feel my husband's love, and I am filled with love for him, all aspects of our marriage are enhanced. Sex then acts as the glue that holds us together. It is not the foundation, but it is an important and essential aspect of marriage and should not be treated with baseness nor indifference. Because of the cohesiveness of sex within marriage, it should never be used as reward or punishment. This will erode the effectiveness of the glue; its sticking power will be diminished.

     Couples need to talk about their relationships on a regular basis. Husband and wife should pay special attention to one another's lives, needs, wants, and dreams. In a loving relationship it is often easy enough to talk about anything and everything, except sexual matters. This is an area that still feels like taboo to talk about, but within a marriage, it is essential. I, myself, have found it difficult to bring up and discuss with my husband sexual matters. I have finally learned to do so and he has been warm and receptive as I discuss with him my concerns, struggles, and hopes for our physical relationship. We have found strength in our relationship as I have opened up to him. Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, quotes Elder Hugh B. Brown as saying, "If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities. . . if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, . . . much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided." Barlow comments, "Talking about this intimate relationship - including the emotional feelings that attend it - can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" ("They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage," Ensign, September 1986). 

 

     Remember, marriage is a union created by God and, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, intimacy is also created by God to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage between a husband and wife. Not only were marriage and intimacy created by God, but also blessed and sanctioned by God, again, within the bounds of marriage as He has set forth. When all aspects of intimacy are attended to in your marriage, the rewards are far better than any other source of pleasure can ever hope to give. Even if your spouse is not everything you hoped he or she would be, neither are you to him or her. If something hoped for is lacking, talk about it, WITH YOUR SPOUSE, not a "special friend." Protect that which is sacred to the union of marriage!