Week 11: United in Body, Mind, and Soul

    "Union: an act or instance of uniting or joining two things into one: such as a uniting in marriage," (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/union). (Links to an exterThe fact that we call a marriage a union is no incidental thing. When two people come together in marriage, they are united and intended to be as one. What does this mean? It means, quoting Spencer W. Kimball, "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity. Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression" (H. Wallace Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p. 90). To restate: when two people join together in the union of marriage, they pledge allof the hearts, minds, bodies, souls, and strength to one another and none else. Fidelity to one's spouse includes not just the physical, but the emotional, intellectual, and the spiritual. Dr. Goddard reiterates this when he says, "The covenant we make with God to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage precludes not only physical, but also romantic relationships outside of marriage, even if they are only mental or emotional" (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, 2015, p.91).

     This fidelity needs to be guarded. Temptations to share what belongs to a spouse with another are subtle and often begin quite innocently. I know that I have been tempted at times to be drawn into special friendships with those of my opposite gender that are not my husband. The feelings of elation over a stimulating conversation can be titillating. The draw to seek out more conversation and time spent with that person is difficult to ignore. At the first sign of temptation, it is time to get your spouse involved. There are two ways to do this and you should do both. First, seek to spend more time with your spouse and make a mental list, or maybe even a physical list, of the things you appreciate about him or her. Then, any time you have interaction with the other person you are drawn to, do so only in the presence of, and in conjunction with, your spouse. As you return intimacy to your spouse, and you involve him or her in your friendships, you will find that your full heart and attention are redirected toward your spouse. If these two suggestions do not alleviate the inappropriate attraction it would be wise to cut of interaction with your special friend. Remember, you promised a union with your spouse and that you would cleave to none else (see D&C 42:22). 

     To help prevent a wandering attraction, attention needs to be given to all aspects of the marital relationship. This will include sex. Sex was designed by God, not only for bringing children into a family, but to beautifully join a husband and wife together in a sacred and special bond. I remember my mother teaching that sex is beautiful and glorious when it is shared between a man and a woman who are married to one another. It is only beautiful within those bounds. Inside a marital relationship it is God-sanctioned and blessed. It is not so at any other time. Of course, sexual relations are not limited to, nor should be exclusive of, the physical act. The sharing of lives between a husband and wife enhances the physical act of sex. Sex is most enjoyable when it is offered and experienced with attendant love. I feel closer to my husband when we have had a good conversation, or have been able to work through a problem together, or have been able to spend time with one another in some other enjoyable activity. When I feel my husband's love, and I am filled with love for him, all aspects of our marriage are enhanced. Sex then acts as the glue that holds us together. It is not the foundation, but it is an important and essential aspect of marriage and should not be treated with baseness nor indifference. Because of the cohesiveness of sex within marriage, it should never be used as reward or punishment. This will erode the effectiveness of the glue; its sticking power will be diminished.

     Couples need to talk about their relationships on a regular basis. Husband and wife should pay special attention to one another's lives, needs, wants, and dreams. In a loving relationship it is often easy enough to talk about anything and everything, except sexual matters. This is an area that still feels like taboo to talk about, but within a marriage, it is essential. I, myself, have found it difficult to bring up and discuss with my husband sexual matters. I have finally learned to do so and he has been warm and receptive as I discuss with him my concerns, struggles, and hopes for our physical relationship. We have found strength in our relationship as I have opened up to him. Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, quotes Elder Hugh B. Brown as saying, "If they who contemplate this most glorifying and intimate of all human relationships [marriage] would seek to qualify for its responsibilities. . . if they would frankly discuss the delicate and sanctifying aspects of harmonious sex life which are involved in marriage, . . . much sorrow, heartbreak, and tragedy could be avoided." Barlow comments, "Talking about this intimate relationship - including the emotional feelings that attend it - can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" ("They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage," Ensign, September 1986). 

 

     Remember, marriage is a union created by God and, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, intimacy is also created by God to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage between a husband and wife. Not only were marriage and intimacy created by God, but also blessed and sanctioned by God, again, within the bounds of marriage as He has set forth. When all aspects of intimacy are attended to in your marriage, the rewards are far better than any other source of pleasure can ever hope to give. Even if your spouse is not everything you hoped he or she would be, neither are you to him or her. If something hoped for is lacking, talk about it, WITH YOUR SPOUSE, not a "special friend." Protect that which is sacred to the union of marriage!