Every marriage will experience conflict. You are taking two individuals and trying to mesh their upbringings, thoughts, values, ideas, dreams, etc. into one cohesive unit. It is true that the individuals can and should retain a certain amount of individuality, but the marriage will only find happiness and health if the two can learn to work together in harmony and love. I remember when I was first married. I felt too young and immature, even at 22 years old. I wanted to go back home to Mom and Dad, but my wise mother had advised me to not bring my problems with my husband to her or Dad but to take them to my husband. My husband is kind of a loner. He loves to read and he can spend hours entertaining himself. He grew up in a home as the oldest of nine children, and there were always other children added to the mix when the family took in "strays." This may be why he learned to carve out, and exist, in alone time. I, on the other hand, like to be in the mix of people and I seek for interaction. So, as married life began for me and my husband, our daily routine was as follows:
- Arise and have breakfast (often not together).
- I go to school, Hubby off to work.
- I return from school, clean the apartment and prepare dinner.
- Hubby returns from work, kisses me, then goes to shower.
- I finish dinner preparation and Hubby lays in bed reading his book.
- We eat dinner together, but there is little conversation and Hubby finishes long before I do and he retreats to the bedroom to read his book again.
- We retire to bed together, have some cuddle time and a small amount of conversation then go to bed.
- Repeat.
This went on for about two weeks. Two very lonely weeks for me. I thought to myself, "What have I done? I don't like being married." Then I remembered my mother's advice to talk with my husband about my feelings and needs. I told him he needed to remember he was married and that there was another person permanently in his life and he needed to remember her. (This may not have been the best approach-it sounded a little demanding.) I asked if he would stay at the table with me until we were both done with dinner. He wanted to know what he would do while he waited for me to slowly, in his view. finish my meal. I told him he could talk with me. He confessed he never thought that I would need or enjoy conversation with him. This was not a cure-all for all of the adjustment issues we would face, but it laid a firm foundation to help us think a little more about the other than ourselves.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, as a general authority of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, spoke these words in the October 2010 General Conference of the Church, "We build deep and loving relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time. Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship" ("Of Things That Matter Most," https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng.) Time is a valuable commodity that becomes worth more when spent building relationships with God and family, especially a spouse. Without putting in nurturing time, your marriage, at best, will exist as parallel living, and at worst, divorce.
Dr. John Gottman says there are six magic hours that will sustain and improve a marriage. Think about it! Just six hours a week! Such a small amount of time, but the dividends are huge. These magic six hours, quoting from Dr. Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are:
- Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you've learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day. Time: 2 minutes a day x 5 working days Total: 10 minutes.
- Reunions. We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. The six-second kiss is worth coming home to. Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each work day for at least 20 minutes. Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days Total: 1 hour 40 minutes.
- Admiration and appreciation: Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse. Genuinely say, "I love you." Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
- Affection: Show each other physical affection when you're together during the day, and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep. Always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner. Time: 5 minutes a day x 7 days Total: 35 minutes.
- Weekly date: This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected. Time: 2 hours once a week Total: 2 hours.
- State of the union meeting: Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week. Keep this time sacred. Begin by talking about what went right. Then give each other five appreciations you haven't yet expressed. Try to be specific. Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen. Use gentle start-up and listen non-defensively. Move to problem solving. End by each of you asking and answering, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week Grand Total: Six hours!
"Remember, working on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club," (Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015, pp. 278-279). These six hours do not come naturally so, you must consciously plan to implement them into your routine. If the task feels daunting, pick one area to implement this week, then over the next few weeks implement another one and another one until they are part of your regular routine. I would also add, and probably start with, praying together. Invite Christ to be a part of the process of strengthening your marriage. Bring to Him your love and appreciation for your spouse and ask Him to guide you as you discuss the problems you face, even if those problems are about you or your spouse. My husband and I pray together each night, just the two of us. These are some of the most tender and love-building times in our marriage. I can promise you that when you invite Christ into your relationship with your spouse, He can heal all wounds and bring life to any honorable marriage, even if it seems love has died.
People often seek to know what to do to build or repair relationships but, more importantly, we should seek to become what we should be. H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, wrote, "We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart. The only way to truly build a healthy marriage is by being a truly good person - to be changed in our very natures. Christ is the great change agent, . . ." (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, 2009, pp. 133, 134). We must change our hearts to see and understand our spouse through the eyes of Heaven. I find more success when I realize how grateful I am for my husband who works hard to provide a comfortable life for our family, who puts aside his needs to meet mine, and who forgives me my shortcomings over and over again. When I am reminded of how much I have been given in my spouse, I am much slower to be irritated with his shortcomings and I find it easier to forgive him when I am annoyed. I realize that it is the condition of my heart that sets the stage for how I will choose to react in any given circumstance. My husband works on a dairy and he can come home reeking of manure and rancid feed. I was not raised around animals and I was, like so many people, put off by the smells. But, I learned to not only accept the smell but appreciate it because it represented how hard he worked to provide for us because of his love for us, and he was engaged in a work he loved doing. I tell people, "It smells like money to me! It is our living."
Please enjoy the following video about having a heart tuned toward your spouse:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdCPMwhvJ88
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